I'm not a New Year's resolutions type girl, but I do take advantage of this time of the year to reflect on the past year.
As I think on everything that happened in the past year and look at my own attitudes and actions, I'm realizing that something that has grown in me is distrust. I think it's safe to say that I came by it honestly; there were some extreme and unusual circumstances from several people in key places of authority who abused trust my trust, and that was really devastating.
But the fact is that bad things happen. Sometimes good people betray your trust and sometimes bad people betray your trust, but it's up to you to determine how much it is going to change you. One of my major goals after 2009 was to not become a bitter person. We all know folks like that, and I don't want that to be me.
Recently I've noticed that a spirit of distrust has really settled over me. I'm not talking about a healthy level of discernment that you *should* have, but a spirit that makes me question every thing every person says.
It's a terrible and at times maddening feeling. I realized that every time a friend said they would do something I didn't believe it would happen. Whenever a colleague said something, I would wonder what they really wanted from me. When anyone asked my opinion I bristled at the thought of giving it, afraid it would only be trampled on.
This is going to be a challenge of the upcoming season. There are lessons to be learned from the past, but fear can't dominate your life. One of the questions I wrestled with especially after everything that happened at church was "how is this going to get better? How do I re-learn to trust?"
I don't know the answer for sure, still, but I think that at least part of it is purposefully being with people I trust. Taking advantage of true and deep friendships that provide safe places to be open and to learn to live graciously. So that's where a lot of my focus in going right now.
Thank you Lord for bringing redemption to brokenness.