Well, the primary Bible bookstore in our town is run by the Baptists (called "The Baptist Bookstore," but they let the goyim in). A couple of years ago I was looking around the store and happened upon their "tract rack" (yes, I suppose the CofC doesn't have a monopoly on them...). One of their tracts jumped out at me, because it was titled, "Campbellism Exposed! One Hundred One Reasons for Not Being a Campbellite" by Ben M. Bogard, LLD (and if anyone knows what LLD stands for, please let me know). It was only $.99 so I bought a copy.
Well it's quite interesting, let me tell you. This stuff is even better than "The Onion" or "The Daily Show"!
Mr. Bogard gives his reasons (all 101 of them) and then expounds on them. Here are some of my favorite reasons (just the titles):
- Campbellites claim to have no creed, which is equivalent to claiming to be fools.
- Campbellism makes priests of its preachers.
- Campbellites make sport of praying for sinners.
- Campbellism is made up mostly of people who have been excluded from other churches. (key quote: "The Campbellite church is an ecclesiastical slop-tub...")
- Campbellism and Mormonism are twins.
- Nearly all of the other churches have some truth, but Campbellism is false at every point. (key quote: "They are wrong on everything.")
#12- Campbellites everywhere have a contemptible grin that nobody else in the world has. That which is characteristic of them everywhere can't be a happen so.
Just dispute the Campbellite doctrine at any point, or preach heartfelt salvation in their presence, and at once they begin to grin.
Nobody on earth has that grin except the Campbellites. I began to notice it many years ago in Kentucky. I wondered if it was not just a local matter produced by ill-breeding. But I went to Tennessee and found the same grin. Then I went to Missouri and they also had the grin. Then I moved to Arkansas, and they still grinned. Then I went to Texas and Oklahoma, and the grin abides. There is something in the Campbellite doctrine that produces it. You can dispute with
Methodists, Presbyterians, Catholics, Mormons and infidels, and you will never see that grin. But even the boys and girls among the Campbellites have it. The grin shows a mingled feeling of contempt, insolence, ill-breeding, ignorance and wickedness, a combination to be found in no one else but the Campbellites.
and my other favorite...
#101-- A poem entitled "The Campbellite Imagination"
We have a people here on earth--
And Campbellite is their name--
Who don't believe the Word of God,
And hence reject the same.
They have an imaginary God,
An imaginary Son,
An imaginary Spirit,
And these three are not one.
Their imaginary Lord
Has an imaginary plan
And they imagine that this saves
A real sinful man.
With imaginary gospel
Preached in imagination, too,
They catch a hardened sinner
And plunge him right through.
He say that he believes
In this imaginary Christ,
Has imaginary safety
In his sin-polluted life.
Then the preacher takes him in
On an unscriptural plan,
And decides the state
Of the poor deluded man.
And the Devil surely laughs
At these deluded folk,
Because he knows if they are right,
Religion is a joke.
Do you imagine they are saved,
And will enter heaven's land?
No, surely they will each one fall
Into the Devil's hand.
Let's preach and pray, and work and sing
Yea, call upon our God,
'Till even the Campbellites repent,
And trust in Jesus' blood.
There is a fountain filled with blood,
Drawn from Immanuel's veins,
Even Campbellites may plunge in
And lose their guilty stains.
Oh goodness, I'm laughing even as I type! I promise to you guys that this is serious a tract written by a serious man in a serious Christian book store.
If anyone's interested in seeing a copy of this, let me know and I'll see if copies are still available. What I wouldn't give to talk to Mr. Bogard! I'll investigate and see if he's still alive. :)
So there you go-- the truth on us Campbellites! And I had you fooled all along! You just can't see my contemptible grin from behind my computer screen! Muah ha ha!
*This is not a blog on denominationalism. I believe in equal denominational opportunity-- each tradition's followers have the same potential for both good and craziness.