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The sun setting on my 20's

When I lived in Japan, one of my friends at church turned 30 and was not at all pleased by it. I remember thinking then (at a wise 23) how silly that was. Well my my my, how quickly the turn tables.

Those who've been around me the past couple of months have seen that I have been very down about my impending birthday. It's one of those maddening things where I know how silly it is, but I just can't help it. I know birthdays in and of themselves don't mean anything. Nothing changes from one day to the next. But they're good times to be reflective and benchmark your life. 

Gosh, 30. My 20's were many things. For a while I felt resentment that I lost such a chunk of my life with illness in my early 20's. But on the same hand, I am so forever, deeply grateful that I had brilliant experiences that I had all over the world, with many precious people.

I think about life not being what I thought it'd be. I'm single, childless, far away from family. In those ways sometimes I feel like my life is kind of empty. I realize it's quite self-pitiful to complain when I have a good career, relatively good health, ample time to pursue my interests and hopes... but this is my blog and I get to be honest. :) I think 30 is different for men and women. Women have some kind of primal expiration date, and if I am being truly honest, that's not helping things. My biological clock isn't ticking or whatever, but I am keenly aware that I'm not getting any younger. 

I've thought more about my future. One of the biggest things I hope for in the next decade is that I'll find home, whatever that means for me. I want to feel belonging and peace. That's been missing in my life. I hope to find meaning. It's quite existential, but I have been wrestling with what life means... what point does my life serve... what difference do I make. 

I hope that I value and pursue wisdom over rightness, kindness over piety, and joy over success, grace over superficial beauty.

Tomorrow I'll wake up with the sun streaming in my bedroom. And I'll be grateful. The birthday blues might catch me for a few minutes at some point, but it will be a good day. And that's how the next chapter starts. :)