Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sometimes it sucks

Another post so soon! I guess I finally thought I'd start sharing again.

Well forgive today's post if you're into feel-good items, because today I haven't felt good. I've been considerably sick for almost a solid four months now, and as much as I try to keep a shiny face for the world same days I just don't want to. Luckily most of the world isn't exposed to me on a daily basis. So here is a little glimpse of how tired you can get of being sick.

I woke up in a foul mood and for the most part I've spent pretty much all of today there. But then again I always wake up in a crappy mood. This is for several reasons. For one, my bed hurts my back. I've tried about a million things over the years to make this better but it doesn't seem to help. Oh well. For two, I haven't been sleeping well. This is also two-pronged. When you're sick on a bedrest program like I am you really don't do anything all day to wear yourself out. Bed time seems sort of arbitrary because you never really get sleepy. So many nights I take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine-- also used for nausea) to make myself sleepy. The second half of this is that now that I am getting some better, the reality of my situation is setting in. I left my great job and a bunch of wonderful people in Japan. When I lie in bed at night I have the time to wonder what I'm going to do with my life once I get well. And then I think about people and it breaks my heart. Faces of so many people I know and love in Japan rush through my mind and I miss them so much. I wish I'd gotten to say real goodbyes, or that I could know when I'm going to get to see them again. It's a hard thing to think about.
So those things plague my nights.

My days are spent mostly with TV. I'm sure my intellectual friends are shocked and appauled that I'm not using this free time to real all of the wonderful books there are to be read, but a lot of times I don't feel like it. The books I usually like to read are about things like social justice or different cultures or some other deep and difficult issue, and really I just can't make myself care about those things as much right now. Of course I still care, but right now I just don't want that burden on my mind as well. A life lived around TV is pretty empty. I look forward to my daily Simpsons, Cosby Show, and occasional Miami Ink, but watching enough TV will depress you. There's a lot of stupid crap in the world, and a lot of it has a TV show dedicating time to it. But I have to give TV props for numbing my mind and helping the days pass.

Even though I've been doing better lately, the past few days I just haven't felt very good. I think it's one of the medicines I'm on making me feel bad. We're going to call tomorrow to see what the doctor thinks. I think I don't want to take it again.

This has been such a crappy post. I should probably discard it. But I guess at least it's something. And it's honest. Like everyone probably, I've known a lot of people who've gone through really difficult times. And I've seen so many people handle it with unimaginable grace. A great example of that is my friend Blake, who is going through a hellish ordeal with his mom being terminally ill. Yet through this he has written some of the most touching, faithful things on his blog, and he and his family have demonstrated that grace I mentioned. I'm in awe of and inspired by them because I have a hard time pulling it off.

I learned 2 years ago that I'm not graceful through suffering. I cry, I pout, I pity myself, I breakdown and lose hope. As you've all witnessed, I also pull away from my friends for whatever psycho reason. But maybe I get a few things right, too. I hold on to faith. It's not a pretty faith when I'm holding onto it at the end of my rope, but it is faith. And I try to be honest. Hence the post today. :) Hopefully that's good, too.

I don't know what this post is for. Maybe it's for myself to kind of let off steam and organize my thoughts. I don't know. But I'm just going to post it. Oyasuminasai.

PS- To balance out my crabby complaining, here are things that I'm eternally grateful for. My family, who cater to my cantankerous moods day to day. The nice people who send me emails. The wonderful people who send me snail mail. And Chris Rice. :)

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ann ~
We all miss you in Japan!
We're praying for you.

Leah said...

Ann, We all love you so much! Thank you for your honesty and your openness. You are an inspiration to me and many, many others. Your light shines very brightly! Hope you are feeling better and are having an okay week.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweet Marie,

Posts like these prove that you're no more superhuman than the rest of us. No sense in providing a sugar coated version of your life, yeah? Reality TV has taught me that reality is often times boring and often times crazy. Speaking of, I noticed there's a Miami Ink marathon this Sunday!

In response to your previous post, I'm glad you're eating again. Although I'm wondering if I should stifle my appetite, I just paid $15 for a large one-topping pizza! Eep!

Blakewell said...

The thing that actually "appauls" me is your spelling of appalled. I do believe that TV is going to your head!

Jason Fry said...

Ann,
I'm impressed (I'm sure that was your goal, right) by your honesty. Too many folks only want to hear that everything is sweet and rosy all the time. Of course your friends really do wish that for you, but I applaud you for your sincerity, even when the true story isn't a happy one. I know it will sound trite, but hang in there.
Jason

friend said...

honesty rocks - it allows for us to pray for you - So, Ann I pray for some great new books (I suggest Blue like Jazz - unless you already ready it, Harry potter, Bono on Bono by Michael assyacs) or something else God has for you - and I pray for more healing - and some new hobby - yeah and a new friend or too for you wherever you are - and lots of love around you - and a fish maybe.

Judith said...

Oh sweet Ann,
I miss you too! I'm sorry that I haven't been one of those good friends who emails or writes. But I think about you and pray for you so often. I miss our times of hanging out and just chatting. I pray for healing and for joy and encouragement from our LORD.
Love you!
Judith