Sunday, April 12, 2009

Honest thoughts on this Easter

Those who've followed the blog over the years may remember that I try to be especially mindful during holy week. But this year I am just wrecked out.

To make a long story short, the last month has been one of crisis at my church. Watching this play out and talking to many of those involved, trying to understand has only led me to believe Satan has won a battle and we have lost sight of our First Love.

So forgive me today when I can't rejoice. For Christians this is the day that marks ultimate victory over evil and death, and I so desperately want to be glad in that, but I can't.

Maundy Thursday was especially difficult as I reflected on the Last Supper of Christ with his disciples and remembered his prayer for unity in the church then and to come. I feel such a weight of guilt as we have mocked this prayer in our actions and divisiveness.

This morning I cried through most of church as I looked around and so many people I love were missing. I am so hurt. Although this is a day of joy and victory, I feel sad and defeated. I'm still back there on Black Friday, grieving the pain and price of sin.

And I think it's okay. I believe that God will redeem this situation and all those involved and effected. I believe there will be a day of victory where I will rejoice at the light that God has called from the darkness.

So maybe rather than victory, today I will celebrate hope.


OK Chick said...

I'm sorry your Easter wasn't what you wanted it to be. I like your attitude....So maybe rather than victory, today I will celebrate hope.

I will pray things get better at your church.

Jordan Watson said...

Hey Ann,

So you don't know me but I stumbled upon your blog through d.j. iverson's blog and then "Ok chick's" blog. I saw the title of this post and thought I'd take some time to check it out.

Now, I don't know too much about your church situation, but I work in youth ministry in southern CA and I have seen what you are talking about in so many churches in my area. It seems that once people loose sight of being the church in the world and adopt a "feed me" selfish mentality people get hurt and churches split...

It is very sad. Especially, like you said, in light of Jesus' prayer that his disciples would be unified, and also in light of Jesus' words that the world will know that we follow him by our love for each other.. seems like we've lost sight of that.

But I really appreciate your trust and faith that God does not give up on his Bride the Church... no matter how often the 12 got it wrong... no matter how many times the fought about who was the greatest... the best... better... or more worthy of Jesus' friendship...i never saw Jesus throw up his hands and say that's it they'll never get it.

So I don't know you, where you are, or the church situation, but just know that there is a fellow minister in Christ in Socal praying for you as you work in this situation and for your congregation to fall in love with Jeshua of Nazareth all over again.

Thanks for you faith, trust, and belief in the God of Hope.

Much Love!