Those who've followed the blog over the years may remember that I try to be especially mindful during holy week. But this year I am just wrecked out.
To make a long story short, the last month has been one of crisis at my church. Watching this play out and talking to many of those involved, trying to understand has only led me to believe Satan has won a battle and we have lost sight of our First Love.
So forgive me today when I can't rejoice. For Christians this is the day that marks ultimate victory over evil and death, and I so desperately want to be glad in that, but I can't.
Maundy Thursday was especially difficult as I reflected on the Last Supper of Christ with his disciples and remembered his prayer for unity in the church then and to come. I feel such a weight of guilt as we have mocked this prayer in our actions and divisiveness.
This morning I cried through most of church as I looked around and so many people I love were missing. I am so hurt. Although this is a day of joy and victory, I feel sad and defeated. I'm still back there on Black Friday, grieving the pain and price of sin.
And I think it's okay. I believe that God will redeem this situation and all those involved and effected. I believe there will be a day of victory where I will rejoice at the light that God has called from the darkness.
So maybe rather than victory, today I will celebrate hope.