Movin' to the Big D

It has been quite an eventful past week, with some gains and some losses, but overall gains I think. I've gained some weight and my blood work all looks a lot better. I've also had several days of fever and headaches and a cough that won't leave. And lots of needles. That's all I'll say for the squimish. :)
Anyway, I write today to say that this afternoon I am being transfered to Zale Lipshy hospital in Dallas so I can have access to more specialists. On the one hand I'm glad because hopefully we can make some big steps there, but I also don't want to be in Dallas where I believe I know 1 person (who I do love, but it's not the same as having a whole church supporting you) and my family's going to be all stretched out again. We'll see what happens. I'll blog when we get the room information and such. I appreciate all means of encouragement. Keep praying for me.
Love you all!

Sweet surrender? Not quite....

Well I have had quite the busy past couple of days. I guess this all started Monday, really. The elders at my church here contacted my parents and said they wanted to have a special prayer meeting for me. At first I was a little worried that they knew something I didn't know, but no they just were concerned for me. So we did that Monday night and it was touching and moving, and meant so much to me.
Then suddenly Tuesday it was like someone lit a fire under my world. All my doctors went on high alert (thanks to some special people, I think) and they got me in to see a thyroid doctor on Wednesday in Little Rock. So that was exciting-- progress!
Yesterday my mom and dad and I went down there, and I did a battery of tests and we saw the doctor. He said that he thought my thyroid problem was probably just a secondary problem to my severe malnutrition and anemia. Apparently all my bloodwork came back looking pretty bad. So... the thyroid doctor, light under his tush, calls my primary care physician and tells the news.
My family doctor then immediately hospitalizes me today. She's been wanting to for a while. :) I, however, have been resistant. But today I just kind of threw in the towel (hence the post title) and said "fine, whatever." Of course deep down I know this is what I need.
Goal for the hospital-- NUTRITION! They're putting me on TPN or IV feeding. Today I faced one of my greatest fears and had a central line put in. That's an IV in your collar bone. But God provided with unexplainable peace and the fact that the doctor who did the procedure actually goes to my church! But please continue to pray for my mental and physical strength.
This could be the first step on a long road, which discourages me. Please pray that I'll keep the mind and vision to always look forward. I'm trying my best.
Love you all.

Mickey Mouse and Chocolate with Gummy Worms

Since my blog is just mostly health updates these days, I thought I'd take this little quiz from my friends over at Tryggblog to lighten the mood. Enjoy!

Would you rather speak with God for one minute or add one year to your life?

I'd say add a year of my life, because I feel like I've been robbed about a year.


Would you rather meet Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, Garfield, or Bugs Bunny?

Mickey Mouse, because that'd probably mean I was at DisneyWorld, which truly is the happiest place on earth. :)

Would you rather end hunger or hatred?

Hunger

Would you rather be gossiped about or never talked about at all?

Since I've never really been gossiped about, I'm tempted to say that I'd like to be. But I think I'll stick with being a wall flower.

Would you rather find one million dollars or find true love?

Obviously, true love. :)


What talent do you wish you possessed?

Joy throughout suffering

If you were going to a remote place and could only take one CD with you, which one would it be?

A mix CD with all of my favorite Chris Rice songs.

If you could hire one of the following, which would it be? (Driver Chef Maid Stylist)

Driver. I hate to drive.

Can you play a musical instrument? If so, which one?

I played the french horn in 6th grade through 10th grade. I was pretty darn good, too, back in the day. :)

Have you attended a high school reunion yet?

Nope. My five year is this year, and since I claim 2 high schools there's 1 I want to go to and 1 I'd never go to.

You're stuck in an airport, what paper do you turn to for the news? (New York Times USA Today National Inquirer or, You don't follow the news.)

I watch CNN on the screens, or go to my most reliable source for news-- People magazine.

Leno or Letterman?

Leno, although I'm growing softer to Letterman.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

I like chocolate. Just chocolate. With gummy bears at Marble Slab.


What CD is in your CD player right now?

Chris Rice's "Amusing"


If you had one day to live, what would you do?

Spend it with my family and eat whatever I want. And not check my email or any blogs. :)

A cloud lifted

The past two days I've been taking my thyroid scan up at the local hospital, and while I was there today I got some amazing news. You might remember that I was in the hospital for a few days in August. Me being the sadly uninsured girl that I am, I was worried about the expense. Well I found out today that I received a hospital grant that covered my hefty bill and will probably cover whatever else I have to have done at this hospital. It is such a weight off my shoulders! I am so grateful to God and to Cristus St. Michael hospital for this! I just about started crying when I found out, because I was struck by the thought of the parable of the debtor who has been forgiven much, and I was forgiven a lot. I think rarely do people first hand feel that grace and mercy shown on them. I hope my heart stays tender from this and I never forget the help shown me.

I'll let you know when we know anything from the scan. Not sure when that'll be.

Diagnosis

Well the bloodwork came back and my doctor informed me that I have severe hyperthyroidism. Everything else looked relatively ok compared to that. This isn't good news, but it's news at least, and I'm happy to know it so I can start having it treated. They're going to try getting me into a doctor ASAP, so maybe I can start getting well. Thank you for your well wishes and positive energy. :) I'll keep you updated.

GI Joe says...

Health update:

Today I went to my GI doc. I was kind of excited because I have felt like I've been making some progress, but he wasn't so convinced, so he kind of deflated my balloon. He was upset about my weight and general appearance, and has ordered a bunch of blood work for me to have done tomorrow (prayers please!). I'm being tested for anemia, B12 deficiency, some mal-absorption issues, low thyroid and my liver enzyme count. I haven't had that done in 2 and a half months so I'm interested to see what it says.

Anyway, it's still two steps forward, one back. I've been eating more this week so I'm happy about that. Keep praying for me, please. Sometimes it's easy to lose hope. Love to you all!

Lucky duck

So, given my vast amounts of time to think combined with my own life observations and experiences, I have come to a conclusion. I believe there is such a thing as luck. Some people have good luck and some people have bad luck, and it can vary throughout life. I don't care if this isn't popular theology. I don't care. :::ppppphhhhhsssssssttttt::: :) I swear sometimes I've turned into one of those 85 year old women who doesn't care what anyone else thinks. I'm sick and onery, dangit! Heehee!

Also speaking of theology I'm having trouble swallowing (and probably related), more and more I am turned off by the way people use the word "blessed." Here are some examples and my commentary:

• "Oooh! The tornado didn't hit my house! I am so blessed!" Yeah, so what about your neighbor whose house was smashed? They weren't chosen by God for your special blessings?
• "I'm sure God will bless you with healing very soon." So... if I'm not healed I'm not blessed by God?
  
• (on the Amazing Race) "God, please bless us and help us get to the next pit stop before the other teams." Okay, so you winning has nothing to do with your own and others' ability to read a map or by sheer luck?
  

I'm sure this is probably an age old struggle that many have felt, but now I'm feeling it and it's my blog and I need to vent it out. We... we being our society or modern Christianity or America or whoever... equates blessings with happiness. I think that's pretty stupid. Would we call Jesus' ministry "unblessed" because he had a rather rough going of it? There's a great Caedmon's Call line that says, "But I get turned around/ I mistake some happiness for blessing/ But I'm blessed as the poor/ Still I judge success by how I'm dressing." (Faith My Eyes)

I'm not coming down on people who say things like "God bless you." A sincere one of those always means a lot. But ya never know what you're asking for when you say it. :)

Conversation Snippet of the Day:

Ann: oh, i still think God is good, i just don't think that means we get good lives (necessarily).

Meredith: oh definitely not. our lives on earth are pretty much crappiness incarnated.

I Heart Brazil

Today I had a pouty, pouty day. I was in a bad mood all day until my mommy made me a cheesecake. Then I was happy. But then I was made happier by a great conversation with an "old friend," and we got to reminiscing about some fun times we had on the great continent of South America. Those who have read the blog for long or know me well know that I love love love Brazil. I've been three times and it really captured my heart.

To try to get me optimistic about life in general lately some people have suggested that I start thinking about plans for the future. Maybe, just maybe, the doors will open up for me to go to Brazil again. I don't know. I have lots of things that have to happen before I can think about that. But who knows. Maybe God puts these fires in your heart for a reason. You can bet I'll keep my eyes open.

Now, here is a photo tribute to my wonderful mission teams I've been to Brazil with. I dearly love every one (even helped one get married!) and they will always be precious to me.


LST 2001-- Aaron, Ben, Ann, Meredith
Click here to read a story that may or may not be about this team.


LST 2002-- Bob, Cherry, some hairy guy, Ann


Campaign 2004-- Ann, Cherry, Taylor, Bob

Posted by Picasa

It is grand, isn't it?

Hello all!

I made it back from OKC happy yet exhausted. The trip was simply wonderful, although it did suck every ounce of energy I had in my body. In case I never mentioned it, the reason for my trip was the inagural lecture of the McBride Institute for Faith and Literature, with speaker Kathleen Norris. It was wonderful and I'm so happy I could be there to help pay tribute to the McBrides and all they've done for OC and the kingdom.

Kathleen Norris was good. She made me think about a lot of things, which honestly most people don't make me do. She even made me want to think about them. :) She has a lot of experience with Benedictine monks so I've been thinking about monastic life. Anyone interested in starting a reformation movement monestary/convent?

I got to see a lot of people in OKC, considering the short time I was there. I took my camera to take pictures, but of course I ended up taking zippo. I can't describe how refreshing it is to one's soul to be with people who love you and you love so much. The trip was very hard on me physically, but spiritually/emotionally it was well well worth it. By the way, I never had to use a wheelchair! Yay!

Love and hugs to all my OKC people. Those of you I got to see and spend time with, thanks for helping revive my tired spirit. Those of you I didn't get to see, there's always next time!

------------------

I joined facebook finally. I can't decide how I feel about this. I have already made several vows that I will not spend excessive time on this. And I will not base my self-esteem on how many "friends" I have. But it was great fun to reconnect with some buddies from olden days.

Off I go!

Today I am heading out to OKC for a couple of days to see friends. I've been looking forward to this for a while and am super-excited, but also kind of nervous. Please pray that this time will rejuvinate my spirit and that I will stay healthy while I'm there. Love you all!

Soundtrack of my Life

Soundtrack of my now former life, I suppose I should title this post. One of my friends said something that got me to thinking last week about how I should start cementing my Japan memories in my brain before they all fly out never to be retrieved. So one method I have chosen through which to do that is to make a soundtrack to my life in Japan. These are the songs I have so far (it will be at least a 2-disc album). By the way, I didn't spell check all these names and I really don't care.

Ann in Japan, Vol. 1 and beyond-
Bohemian Rhapsody-- Queen
White Flag-- Dido
Sand in my Shoes-- Dido
Grease Megamix-- Olivia Newton John and John Travolta
Elevation-- U2
Sgt. Pepper'’s Lonely Hearts Club Band-- Beatles
Yellow-- Coldplay
You and Me Song-- The Wannadies
Don'’t Know Why-- Norah Jones
Sunrise-- Norah Jones
Asereje-- Las Ketchup
Hey Ya-- Outkast
Rainy Days and Mondays-- The Carpenters
Sweet Home Alabama-- Lynard Skynard
Hands-- Jewel
Leavin'’ on a Jet Plane-- Peter, Paul and Mary
Take Me Home Country Roads-- John Denver
Stuck-- Stacie Orrico
Every Season-- Nichole Nordeman
Let it all Out-- Relient K
This is How we Overcome-- Zoe Group
A New Anointing-- Zoe Group


Today I listened to all these songs and was flooded with memories of people, places, parties, karaoke, and different emotions I felt while I was there. Some of my Japan peeps will probably recognize a couple of them (I doubt any would get all of them).

Clint Black says it well when he croons, "Funny how a melody can bring back a memory. It'll take you to another place and time; completely change your state of mind."

Do any of my Japan folks remember a song or two off this list? Am I forgetting one I should have on there?

Are there any songs that take you to another time and place when you hear them?

So that's what I look like!

Time for another post. Thanks to some of you for your comments on the last post. :)

Today was the first time since about June I've uploaded my camera pictures to my computer, so here's a mini-picture post.


Jake, Julie, and Bryan (with Sugao behind at the mic)

This is the Let's Start Talking team that came to Hitachi Taga church for June-July. When I was in college and I did campaigns to Brazil, I often wondered if the people at the hosting churches really liked us coming. Now I think I know how they felt. It was fantastic to have them there! They were fresh wind and energy and encouragement at a time when we all needed it. I wish I could have spent more time with them, but what time I did have with them was great. Thanks to Julie, Jake, and Bryan!



My dad with his cool ride

This is my dad's new truck. Getting a new truck is a big deal at our house. The last time it happened was 17 years ago (and we still have it and it runs great! goooo chevrolets!) I like this truck a lot. My dad put running boards on it so I can get into it easier. It's a biggun'.



Grungy Molly and Skinny Ann

This is a picture of my sister and me. My sister dressed up today for a psychology class experiement where she has to dress unlike herself, so here she's going grunge. I also just wanted an updated picture of me on the blog. I'm a skinny girl now. :)

I'm doing heaps better. My spirit is much better. I'll keep you updated.

Stirring the Pot

Aha! A new blog! And there was much rejoicing!

Anyhoo. On to business. Most of you probably know that I hold views that some people would find controversial. Recently I have felt the stirring in me to go very public with one of these taboo viewpoints.

Ready?

Texas is the best place in the world. Period.

Who am I?

Who Am I? by Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As thought it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

To Target... and beyond!

To day was a small step for humanity, a giant leap for Ann-kind. I went to the store! (Target, to be exact) I bought some nail polish, a card, and da da da dum..... HARRY POTTER book #1! Some of my friends are probably cheering right now because they've wanted me to read this forever. It was pretty cheap in paperback, so I decided I might as well take the plunge. I'll let ya know how it goes.
Target was interesting, too, because I needed a wheelchair. Interesting social experiment, I guess. People for the most part just ignored me as they normally would, I think, except right before I left. As I was getting into the checkout line (my dad was pushing me), these 4 snotty high school girls (yes I just prejudged them) jumped in line in front of me. Very rude! But I doubt it was because of my wheelchair. Then as I was checking out and trying to work the debit card machine, the checkout lady kept talking to me and hovering over me like I was dumb. Which I'll admit maybe I am, but how did she know? Ah well, she was probably just trying to be super helpful, which she actually was.

---------------

This Katrina is awful. Unimaginable. Texarkana is becoming home and a pass-through station for many evacuees. My parent's church is doing a lot of collection and passing out to people who need the basics. My mom and sister worked up there several hours today and my mom heard several people's stories. So time for everyone to put up or shut up. Go do something. Give your money, work at a shelter... do something.
What gets me is that I don't think I'd "get" how big this was were I still living in Japan. This is huge.

--------------

My man Dellucci hit another homer tonight, but the other day I found out devastating news. He used to be a Yankee. :::tear::: My mom asked if the fact that he converted to Rangerism doesn't make up for it, but I'm not sure you can ever recover from that kind of deprivation.
(are you starting to grasp that I don't like the Yankees? :) ) By the way, he's from Baton Rouge, Louisiana and is doing a lot to help out the victims down there. Good for him!

--------------

I have recently signed up on My Space to help reconnect with old friends. I am not sure of the quality or reputation of this service, so I decline to link to my page. But if you want to find me there, you can.

--------------

That's all for today's installment. Have a wonderful Labor Day!

PS-- Blake, I tried to make sure and spell check so you won't mock me in my comments.

A Suitable Suitor

Today had two interesting aspects to it that I'd like to share.

First of all, today I left my humble abode for the first time in two weeks. It wasn't as exciting as I might hope it'd be, but it was nice. We went to visit a friend of ours from church who happens to be a nurse. In the last week or so I developed a lump on my arm where my IV was, so we got it checked out. She thinks it's okay. So all in all it was a nice "outing". As much as I love my family, it's nice to associate with outsiders once in a while. ;)

Secondly, my parents and I have been trying to find a suitable husband of the Texas Ranger persuasion (and no, that's not Chuck Norris kind of Texas Ranger for those like Nina and Denver out there... the baseball team). This started with my mom finding out that Mark Teixeira was of Brazilian descent, and we know how I feel about Brazilians. Well it turns out he's married. Shucks. So I went through the roster and online bios to see who my possibilities were. Judging by age and marital status, it looks like Kevin Mench and David Dellucci are my strongest options. I find Dellucci much more attractive (especially since he hit two homers in one game against the Evil Empire) but I'm willing to give everyone a shot. Except when I think about it I'm not sure that I'd want to marry a baseball player. They're gone for so much of the year. In some marriages that may be a good thing, but I intend to like the person I marry. Hmm. We'll see. If anyone has any connections to any single men on the Texas Rangers then please leave a comment. :)

Sometimes it sucks

Another post so soon! I guess I finally thought I'd start sharing again.

Well forgive today's post if you're into feel-good items, because today I haven't felt good. I've been considerably sick for almost a solid four months now, and as much as I try to keep a shiny face for the world same days I just don't want to. Luckily most of the world isn't exposed to me on a daily basis. So here is a little glimpse of how tired you can get of being sick.

I woke up in a foul mood and for the most part I've spent pretty much all of today there. But then again I always wake up in a crappy mood. This is for several reasons. For one, my bed hurts my back. I've tried about a million things over the years to make this better but it doesn't seem to help. Oh well. For two, I haven't been sleeping well. This is also two-pronged. When you're sick on a bedrest program like I am you really don't do anything all day to wear yourself out. Bed time seems sort of arbitrary because you never really get sleepy. So many nights I take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine-- also used for nausea) to make myself sleepy. The second half of this is that now that I am getting some better, the reality of my situation is setting in. I left my great job and a bunch of wonderful people in Japan. When I lie in bed at night I have the time to wonder what I'm going to do with my life once I get well. And then I think about people and it breaks my heart. Faces of so many people I know and love in Japan rush through my mind and I miss them so much. I wish I'd gotten to say real goodbyes, or that I could know when I'm going to get to see them again. It's a hard thing to think about.
So those things plague my nights.

My days are spent mostly with TV. I'm sure my intellectual friends are shocked and appauled that I'm not using this free time to real all of the wonderful books there are to be read, but a lot of times I don't feel like it. The books I usually like to read are about things like social justice or different cultures or some other deep and difficult issue, and really I just can't make myself care about those things as much right now. Of course I still care, but right now I just don't want that burden on my mind as well. A life lived around TV is pretty empty. I look forward to my daily Simpsons, Cosby Show, and occasional Miami Ink, but watching enough TV will depress you. There's a lot of stupid crap in the world, and a lot of it has a TV show dedicating time to it. But I have to give TV props for numbing my mind and helping the days pass.

Even though I've been doing better lately, the past few days I just haven't felt very good. I think it's one of the medicines I'm on making me feel bad. We're going to call tomorrow to see what the doctor thinks. I think I don't want to take it again.

This has been such a crappy post. I should probably discard it. But I guess at least it's something. And it's honest. Like everyone probably, I've known a lot of people who've gone through really difficult times. And I've seen so many people handle it with unimaginable grace. A great example of that is my friend Blake, who is going through a hellish ordeal with his mom being terminally ill. Yet through this he has written some of the most touching, faithful things on his blog, and he and his family have demonstrated that grace I mentioned. I'm in awe of and inspired by them because I have a hard time pulling it off.

I learned 2 years ago that I'm not graceful through suffering. I cry, I pout, I pity myself, I breakdown and lose hope. As you've all witnessed, I also pull away from my friends for whatever psycho reason. But maybe I get a few things right, too. I hold on to faith. It's not a pretty faith when I'm holding onto it at the end of my rope, but it is faith. And I try to be honest. Hence the post today. :) Hopefully that's good, too.

I don't know what this post is for. Maybe it's for myself to kind of let off steam and organize my thoughts. I don't know. But I'm just going to post it. Oyasuminasai.

PS- To balance out my crabby complaining, here are things that I'm eternally grateful for. My family, who cater to my cantankerous moods day to day. The nice people who send me emails. The wonderful people who send me snail mail. And Chris Rice. :)

Today was the day!

My life has been the utmost of boring lately. Thankfully I have my family, cable TV, a few good books, and nice friends who actually still email me to keep me sane. However today was a very very happy day for me. Thanks to my sweet family who found it in Texarkana for me, today I own the new Chris Rice CD, Amusing! :) Yaaaay!
AND I found out today that it actually has a DVD on the other side of the CD, so I got to watch behind the scenes footage of Chris Rice and the people recording the CD. I'm tickled pink. Chris recently went to a new label, so this is a little different from his other albums, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it all the same. Do yourself a favor and go pick it up.
By the way, I think I'm doing some better. I can actually eat now, which is good. I still haven't gained weight, but have faith it'll come.
Thanks to everyone for their nice emails and comments. They really brighten my days. Love you all!

Ode to why I have been absentee

Hello, you wonderful people. If you're still reading then you are, in fact, wonderful. :) I know I should be blogging, especially since I have nothing but free time on my hands, but I just can't bring myself to do it. And here is my theory why.

Abraham Maslow developed a system called the Hierarchy of Needs. Simply put it states that before you can worry about the higher levels of existence you must be stable in the lowest levels of existence. For example (see the website), I think in Japan I was at or nearing the self-actualization level. I had a great job in my field with great friends. I was stable in many many ways. But now I have found myself knocked on my butt back to the first level-- physiological needs. I live day to day just focusing on keeping a few calories in me.

So... as much as it sucks, and as much as it is against my personality to do so, I have really pulled away from a lot of my friends. I feel like I'm sinking all this energy into being well so I have little to spare. I hope my friends can forgive me and just support me through this. I'm trying to be better. See, I even made myself blog tonight. :)

As for how I'm doing, it's hard to say. I am improving in some ways, but not others. The specific prayer request I have is that I can gain weight. I keep losing and I have nothing left to loose except the good stuff (muscle, organs, yadda yadda). So that's that. I'll keep you updated. Love you all! And mad props to all my friends who've recently started blogs! Y'all are awesome bloggers!!!!!

Out and About

As the title suggests, I am out of the hospital. I'm on some new medicine now and let's all hope and pray I feel better soon. Although I am out, I am not about. I am the ultimate couch potato these days. Just wanted to give a brief update. Hopefully I'll have a worthwhile blog soon, if anyone's still reading this.
Love y'all.