Because sometimes you need reminding...

Tips for Conflict Resolution

courtesy of Dr. Mike Landon

Remember the power of words--

• The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. --Proverbs 15:4
• A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. -- Proverbs 17:27
• When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. -- James 3: 3-12
• Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!" -- Proverbs 26:18-19

Conflict is not innately bad; the response determines whether it's sinful or not.

• Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. -- Ephesians 4:25-27

Construct a BCF (behavior, consequence, feelings) statement. The behavior should state what the other person did to make you angry. In the consequence include it's ramifications on you or other people. And obviously, in the feelings portion state how it made you feel.

• When describing behavior, describe it in such a way that they cannot deny they did it (avoiding always, never, all)
• Describe what they did, not what you think they meant.
• Do not include a solution to the problem.
• Focus on talking about the problem
• Control the voice level
• Listen to what the other person is saying.

Remember forgiveness-- it is the art of re-interpreting the past.

• Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. --Colossians 3:12-14