Sweetly broken?

I don't consider my blog a journal, but one of the goals of this blog is to validate that a Christian person can go through many things and have many emotions while remaining a faithful person.

That said, some days suck. Some weeks or months suck. Over the past few weeks, I have taken a series of blows that have left me weary and deeply wounded.

This morning at church my heart was not there. Instead there was bitterness and anger and sadness. I couldn't sing, couldn't pray, just couldn't engage.

The service was fantastic. Great sermon, wonderful songs... in fact, we sang one of my favorite songs, "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle. The chorus is as follows:

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

This is a beautiful song and beautiful sentiment, but today it drove daggers into my heart. All I could think was, "Draw me gently to my knees"? Really? Because it sure feels like I just had my legs cut out from under me, anything but gently. And "sweetly" broken? I feel like someone's taken a sledge hammer to me.

I know the truth of the message in the lyrics, but at the same time, sometimes it just hurts. Yesterday I happened to read the passage from Luke 9, where Jesus promises suffering for his disciples, yet still calls them to take their cross and follow. This song takes that gritty, hard teaching of Jesus and paints it in a much softer light.

Life promises to break us, and I would much rather be broken by God than the world, but that doesn't guarantee it will be sweet. Some days it's a bitter pill to swallow.

PS- Check out the new poll question in the left column.

Dangerous prayer

Use me, break me, waste me on You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live...

To starve is to feast
and less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, I want it all...

-Shane and Shane

Be careful when you pray this kind of thing. God just might take you up on it.

Holy Days

Each year I have hopes of truly being mindful and reverent of the Holy Season. Some years I accomplish that to some degree, others I don't. This year was a case of the latter. I have allowed myself to become so entangled with human drama and righteous works that I confess I have lost sight of what this all means.

Last night I was thinking of the blogs I wrote last year for Good Friday, Black Saturday, and Easter Sunday. And I think that despite my neglect of the true meaning of these Holy Days this year, God in His mercy and grace is bringing my soul back in line with His.

Tomorrow will be busy. Our church is expecting 400 visitors, and though this is Kingdom work, I have a feeling I will have the heart of Martha rather than Mary by the end of the day. But God has given me today. He has slowed my pace and is drawing me close.

In the Christian tradition, this is a spiritual roller coaster of a weekend- the pain, the emptiness, the joy. Rather than dwelling on one or looking forward to the next, let us embrace the moment in which God has placed us.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. -Psalm 118

Democracy prevails at Sojoblog

Sojoblog announces a new feature over there on the left column- voting! To start this thing out, I have a fairly harmless question. However, knowing me, you can rest assured that the questions will likely get more controversial in nature.

The blog title is a joke- sorry to burst your bubble, but this corner o' the web is not a democracy. Just think of me as a benevolent dictatoress. ;)

God bless Sojoblog! God save the queen!

The More I Seek You

It's amazing to me how God provides us with what we need before we realize we need it. I learned this song Friday and knew it was something special. Little did I know the comfort and anchor it would be for me since then. Maybe someone out there needs to hear this, too.



The More I Seek You- Kari Jobe

The more I seek you, the more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I want to sit at your feet,
Drink from the cup in your hand,
Lay back against you and breathe,
Hear your heart beat.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

Thank you, Father, for knowing our hearts, healing our wounds, and providing us with every good thing...

Gumption

Yesterday I watched "The Holiday." If you haven't seen it, it's a pretty sweet little movie. I could do without the Cameron Diaz/Jude Law storyline, but hey, if it lets me see Jude Law's beautiful self on screen for two hours, I can't argue. :)

What I truly love is Kate Winslet's character. I suppose she's meant to represent an average girl (which would be impossible for such a beautiful woman, except for her excellent acting), and she is profoundly brokenhearted over an unrequited love who uses her and treats her as an object.

I won't tell her whole storyline, but through circumstance she happens upon an old-school Hollywood script writer who she quickly befriends.

He, unlike the men in her life, see her as she truly is, and in a poignant moment over dinner says, "In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."

She responds, "You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life... I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant."

Oh, the power of truth tellers in our lives. I believe any person who lives a Spirit filled life can be a truth teller to those who believe lies about themselves. Speaking truth over a person- naming them with the names and gifts God has given them- is a powerful and freeing gift.

I know the problem exists as much in men as in women, but I am a woman so that's my perspective. :) How much do we long to be the leading lady, but often settle for less than they desire or deserve. Moreover, so many women are in denial that a) they truly desire to be a leading lady and b) that it is okay to want that.

I speak on behalf of myself about a personal metamorphosis that has taken place in my own life over the past several months. Through a bizarre series of serendipities, circumstances, and the power of the Holy Spirit, God has been teaching me so much about who God created me to be and how He wants to use me through the unique creation He made me. It's been a difficult and painful process, but honestly I don't know that I've ever felt more peace about who I am or where I'm going.

One of the hardest things to learn is to stand up for myself, whether it is to other people, to the lies Satan tries to tell me, or even to myself. I can't lie about how hard it is (especially when you're not really too convinced of the truth yourself), but thankfully, the Lord seems to have blessed me with an extra measure of conviction. :) Other words to help you better understand my "conviction", if you don't know me, are things like passionate, headstrong, opinionated, etc. :) I think that's the first step.

At the end of the movie :::spoiler alert:::, Kate Winslet's thorn in the flesh shows up begging for her to return to him. She, now aware of her true "role", is now empowered to kick him out of her life. When he asks what has changed, she replies, "I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling... GUMPTION!" :)

I love that! I know seeing this movie again was a good reminder of what so many people need. First, people to speak truth into their lives and second, a the courage to stand up for themselves.

Gonna party like it's my birthday!

Happy belated birthday to me! 26 years, wow. It seems the last couple of years I become increasingly grateful for each year of life, realizing it's truly a gift. Anyway, it's hard to believe I have gone from this little chick:

To this grown chick:

Thanks to all of you for your many kind words, well wishes, and pretty much a lifetime of love and friendship.

To see more pics from my birthday dinner, click here.

Vision of You

Tonight I went to a concert I've been excited about for a while, featuring Shane and Shane and Bethany Dillon!

Bethany and her fiancee even sang one of my favorite songs. Here's a snippet:

Shine on Me from Ann W on Vimeo.

And it was tons of fun to go with my friends, who have great musical taste and always make my life much sweeter.


This picture cracks me up. :)

Tender Tennessee Wedding, part 2

And the fun continues!

One of the groomsmen and I had a birthday this week, so they had a cake for us at the reception. So thoughtful! Note- I'm really not a midget. I'm actually wearing heels in this pic!

Bridesmaid Log 5 from Ann W on Vimeo. Trying to find the hotel.

Pretty in pink. Three bridesmaids ready to go!

Bridesmaid Log 6 from Ann W on Vimeo. Pre-wedding.

I get a lot of hits from JettyBetty's blog, so I wanted to be sure to post a picture of how lovely she looked!
Just me and the bride!
The church was gorgeous. I really love this shot.
The bride, MeredithOur OC Honors girls had an awesome reunion at the wedding. Seven of us got to be there!

One last shot before we all go back to our different parts of the world. I love you guys!

Tender Tennessee Wedding, part 1

What a weekend! I went to Knoxville, TN last Thursday to celebrate my dear friend Meredith's wedding. It was a whirlwind, busy trip, but I had a ton of fun and was so blessed to be included in their celebration. Pictures speak louder than words, right? So here ya go. I even did some video logs (vlogs?). Stay tuned for part 2.



Bridesmaid Log 1 from Ann W on Vimeo. On the way to the airport.

A fondue bachelorette party is the best idea ever. :)

Bachelorette party attendees

Bridesmaid Log 2 from Ann W on Vimeo. Primping.

My first pedicure! I'm addicted.

Bridesmaid Log 3 from Ann W on Vimeo. Trying to decide on a toenail color. More difficult than you'd think.


Bridesmaid Log 4 from Ann W on Vimeo. On the way to the rehearsal with the bride.

Bryan and Mer's toast at the rehearsal dinner

Reunited and it feels so good! Amber, Traci, Mer, me

Sweet temptation

Any group of people has a certain set of dynamics and personality. Our singles group at church is no different. One of the "tensions" we have is that there are certain people who like to eat very healthily, some to an extreme, and there are others who don't like to be reminded that they aren't eating very healthily. :)

This afternoon we helped with the senior ministry's luncheon, which was catered by a culinary angel. Seriously, some of the best food I've eaten in a long time. This included an absolutely luscious chocolate cake. I'm not generally a chocolate cake fan, but this cake was seriously perfect. And she made three of them. Oh, sweet temptation. Watching her pour the chocolate sauce on the top was one of the most seductive things I've ever seen.

So fast forward the time for us to clean up. Several of us found ourselves just kind of loitering around the remaining cake... and it just so happened to be those of us who try and abide by healthy eating. The next thing you know... well, just take a look:


Untitled from Ann W on Vimeo.
Sometimes you've just gotta realize life's too short to not eat chocolate cake. :)

Sojo's iPod Shuffle

Step 1: Put your iTunes/iPod or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 (I did 30 because I had fun) songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: You guys get to guess in the comments! I'll bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly. (note- looking them up on google or any other search engine is cheating)

1. I could fall apart before I start
2. You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on- "Kiss" by Prince
   
3. Now that fear is out of the way, I'm starting to see myself so clear
4. Wash me in the water of the word- "Wash me in the Water" by Shane and Shane
   
5. Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing, you believed in superstition
6. It’s hard to stand on shifting sand, it’s hard to shine in the shadows of your mind- "Better Hands" by Natalie Grant
   
7. There are times when faith and common sense do not align- "Brave" by Nichole Nordeman
   
8. I came walking down this road for a better point of view
9. Have I become a soul so numb?- "Time Takes its Toll on Us" by Bebo Norman
   
10. What looks like failure is success
11. Who’s your brother, who’s your sister?
12. When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes, you are good- "You are Good" by Point of Grace
    
13. Holy design, this place in time
14. Each day as I grow older, the nights are getting colder
15. My big brother was Big’s brother, used to be Dane and Big’s brother
16. You know I ran across an old box of letters while I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill- "Thankful" by Caedmon's Call
    
17. Eu, voce, nos dois, aqui neste terraço à beira-mar- "Fotografia" by Antonio Carlos Jobim
    
18. Paper airplane in flight, see the moon say goodnight
19. The dawn is breaking, a light shining through
20. Well it looks like five thousand miles broke the camel’s back- "Love is Different" by Caemdon's Call
    
21. Your light broke through my night, restored exceeding joy- "Mourning into Dancing" by Zoe Group
    
22. How many roads did I travel before I went down one that led me to you- "Holy" by Nichole Nordeman
    
23. Tears are falling, hearts are breaking, how we need to hear from God- "Welcome to Our World" by Chris Rice
    
24. Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are- "The Scientist" by Coldplay
    
25. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk- "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas
    
26. Hot sun dancing on the river, we sit on the bank and watch the world go by- "For a Little While" by Tim McGraw
    
27. It tapped me on the shoulder today when I got home
28. When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand- "You've Got a Friend in Me" by James Taylor
    
29. Dream when you’re feelin’ blue
30. At last, my love has come along- "At Last" by Etta James or Ella Fitzgerald
    

Blood drive!

I told you last week that I gave my testimony at church to help rouse some donors for the blood drive. Well, the Lord provides! I think they told me there were 43 units collected at the end of the day, including 14 people from the young singles ministry! I am just overjoyed. I have the best friends in the world. There were several who really didn't want to give, but did. It's such a good, easy, and important thing! Here are some photos, since the blog has been lacking color lately.

Dear Pete, such a trooper. :) (that's iodine, not blood on his arm- he hadn't started yet). And look at Lindsey back there smiling!

Amy says, "I love blood donation! It's a game for me. Try and beat 4:32!"

Rebecca says, "Blood donation makes me happpppy!"

OBI Lady says, "^#%$ Why are you taking pictures?!"

I'm not just an advocate, I'm also a donor! Despite the blurriness, I assure you that it is me.

After donating we went to lunch at Texas Roadhouse to regain our strength. Look how cute we are and how much we love each other!

Lindsey and Tiffany

Angie and Rebecca

Ann and Amy

Pete and Wes

$12k Challenge

I'm a sucker for a challenge. :)

After the great ideas and comments from my $12k blog, I decided to take Dan's suggestion to heart.

God works powerfully through His people. He gives them visions and dreams and passions for how to bring His Kingdom to earth. You guys proved through your wonderful and diverse ideas on how to bless others with the financial resources God blesses us with.

So here's the deal. All I want to challenge you to do is to be proactive. Take that idea that has been knocking around in the back of your head and do something with it.

As for my part, if you will either email me (my first name dot my last name at gmail) or leave a comment (and this blog has always allowed anonymous comments), I'll add it to the tally and note what ministry is being furthered through the generosity of SojoBlog readers. The goal will be to reach $12,000 corporately. No gift is too small to report! Jesus was known to take a couple of loaves and fishes to feed multitudes.

You can donate to ministries, mission funds, humanitarian efforts, medical causes, or whatever other organization, charity or cause God has placed on your heart. The only stipulation I'll make is that political campaigns don't count. This is on the honor system, so you don't have to show a receipt or anything. :)

I'm going to place a permalink to this post over in the left hand column so you can check back and see how the Lord is working.

-----------------------------------------

$30- World Vision monthly child sponsorship
$35- Donation to The Refuge
$1800- Annual total of $150 monthly donation to send a Honduran child to school
$200- Helping to send two students to Cambodia on a mission trip
$150- Donation towards local missionary

Current Total- $2215

Something to Say

Today was a big day! I was asked by our church's blood drive coordinator to give my testimony to the congregation at both services. I was pretty nervous, but this is something I'm quite passionate about and have wanted to do for a while. The Lord opened the door, so I walked through!

This morning as I was trying to psyche myself up and calm myself down, I listened to "Something to Say" by Matthew West on repeat. The words seemed VERY applicable as I thought about what the Lord has done in my life through the gift of blood donors.

You've got something to say
If you’re livin’, if you’re breathin’
You've got something to say
And you know if your heart is beatin’
You've got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You've got something to say

It went well, and I have to give so many thanks to my fantastic cheerleaders who encouraged me through. Thanks of course also to all those who donate blood! This Valentine's Day truly give a gift from your heart! Not to your loved one, perhaps, but to the greater whole of humanity. :)

Here is the text of my testimony:

About two years ago, I went through a long illness that included in major surgery. A few days after being released from the hospital my parents had to rush me back to the ER. Apparently I was bleeding internally. Due to one of the complications of my illness, my blood wouldn’t clot. I was in very serious condition, having already lost a substantial amount of blood and my body was unable to stop it.

I remember the overwhelming pain and fear of that night, and crying in desperation for God to please help me. And did help me that night, in the form of the 20+ donors whose blood I received. The doctors were able to give me enough whole blood and blood products until my bleeding stabilized. Those donors didn’t know me, nor will they ever, but for whatever reason, they felt compelled to give. And because of their gifts, I’m here today.

I hope that I can put a face on blood recipients for you. I know blood donation is a pretty thankless job, but I want to thank you for the work you’ve already done, and encourage you to keep giving. You never know whose life you may be able to save.

Holding Jesus Hostage

There are probably a lot of topics I could cover with this title post, but instead I shall let this video do the talking for me:

Appalling Silence

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
From "Letter from Birmingham Jail," April 16, 1963

$12,000

Today is an audience participation day.

If, through the generosity of others, the Lord had entrusted you with $12,000 through which to bless and further the Kingdom, how would you use it?

Myself When I Am Real

Do you ever have moments when characteristics or aspects of your personality that normally remain dormant are brought to the surface? I have had several lately.

I am white.

Recently I started tutoring in LST-like classes with an inner city church. My friend and I read with a husband and wife who are so very charming and sweet. Every time we meet with them, though, I am reminded of how white, middle-class American I am. Saturday was particularly funny; we went to a party at the church downtown for all of the LST people. As soon as my friend picked me up, I laughed because for one, we unintentionally matched, and for two, we looked like a Gap ad. :) Whitey McWhitesters. The party was lots of fun and we got to know lots of really great people. When the eating time started, we both got home-made tamales that I believe our reader made. I will be honest and admit that I've never actually eaten a tamale. Shame- I know. However, this means that I didn't really know how to eat it. Then my friend sat down and leaned over to ask me how to eat it. He then asked our reader how to eat it. It was hilarious and I have never felt more white. :)

I am a small town Texan girl.

This fact was brought home fiercely last night. :) I thought I was behaving like any normal person would during a football game, but apparently not... I grew up where football was king, and so to me a championship football game is serious business! I think that I'm starting to realize that either you're a football person or you're not, and even though I haven't been immersed in that culture in many years, it's always going to be a part of me. And I'm pretty proud of that. :)

I am passionate and convicted.

In recent weeks, I've had several opportunities to see this potent streak of my personality manifest itself. I'm wise enough to be able to see it as both a strength and a weakness. I think this is also the part of my personality that surprises the most people. But just beware this fact should you should you choose to tangle with me. I'm sure several blog readers can attest to my passion in its positive and negative glory. :) In all seriousness, it has the potential to be used for good when I am convicted to stand up for Christ and his Church, but it can also turn into a stumbling block of pride and stubbornness.

These things just got me to thinking about who I am, both within my personality and environment. A lot of people spend a lot of time and energy trying to manipulate, hide, and re-invent who they are, when maybe we should be grateful and cultivate whatever we've been handed to work for God's glory.

100 Things Revisited- Part 2

26. I've been blogging for over three and a half years. Specifically, since April 6, 2004.

27. On average, my blog gets about 50 unique visitors a day.

28. The most popular day of the week for my blog, statistically speaking, is Tuesday. By a noticable margin. Why is that?

29. I first got into writing when my sophomore, pre-AP English teacher, Mrs. Roeming, told me I was a good writer. Encouragement is powerful, people.

30. I have a few books floating around in my head to write. All about spirituality. All non-fiction.

31. One of my goals for the year is to submit a piece of writing to be published. I think I know what it is and where I will send it, but I have no idea if they'd choose it. If they do, I'll tell you.

32. I graduated from OC magna cum laude. I was stinking .01 away from summa cum laude. I am taking a class right now to raise my GPA so that at least in my mind, I'll have highest honors.

33. I put off taking a math class in college, so it came down to the wire with me taking college algebra from Tulsa Community College online. I think I made a B. That and stupid economics screwed up my GPA.

34. I hate making left hand turns. I will drive five minutes out of my way to avoid it.

35. I had a wreck on ice my freshman year of college that totalled my truck. I hate hate hate driving in bad weather to this day.

36. The first time I ever drove a car, I hit my dad's truck with my mom's suburban. Smooth.

37. I still get nervous when I park!

38. I love going to Walgreens. I can walk around that store for hours.

39. I hate grocery shopping and the subsequent putting away of groceries.

40. Sometimes I go to the chapel at the hospital when I want to be alone and pray.

41. The in the past couple of years I have become much more monastic and contemplative.

42. I don't mind silence, even when I'm with friends. This drives many of my friends crazy, because I think it's cool to just sit in silence with somene you love.

43. Cream is my favorite winter clothing color.

44. Pale yellow is my favorite spring clothing color.

45. If someone compliments me on what I wear, its rotation will increase dramatically. :)

46. When I listen to music, especially praise music, it's easy for me to get so into it that I really can't multi-task.

47. If I get really down or depressed, I can sit and just stare and the wall for hours in silence.

48. When I cry, my eyes turn really bright blue.

49. I add cinnamon to pretty much everything I bake.

50. I make a really mean banana bread, even though I'm allergic to bananas.