71 Days

71 days. That's how long this year has to turn it around.

I'm not going to lie. 2009 has been rough. I feel more strongly about it than that, but I'm trying to not fall entirely into the swirly twirly darkness of self pity.

But back to the issue at hand- 2009. It just feels like it's been blow after blow- emotionally, physically, spiritually, and professionally. Probably least of all professionally, but that in and of itself has so skewed my worldview. Since when do I look to my job for stability I can't find in any other area of my life? That is so not me.

I was telling someone the other day that this year my faith has taken a beating more than any other, including the years I was so sick. It feels like that was one large trauma, whereas this year has been a multi-front attack.

And it's just exhausting. Everytime I feel like I start to secure my footing, something else- usually major more than minor- flies out from under me. I'm just overwhelmed.

I've tried for quite a while to avoid the pronouncement of flushing the entire year down the proverbial toilet, but sometime last month that dam just burst and now I can't get it out of my head. And the bad part about that is it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, ya know? So that is a catch 22. If I keep saying 2009 sucks, then I'll focus on only the sucky things that happen.

So hence the title. 2009 has 71 days for something(s) fantastic to redeem itself.

I'll be watching and waiting.

Sweetly broken?

I don't consider my blog a journal, but one of the goals of this blog is to validate that a Christian person can go through many things and have many emotions while remaining a faithful person.

That said, some days suck. Some weeks or months suck. Over the past few weeks, I have taken a series of blows that have left me weary and deeply wounded.

This morning at church my heart was not there. Instead there was bitterness and anger and sadness. I couldn't sing, couldn't pray, just couldn't engage.

The service was fantastic. Great sermon, wonderful songs... in fact, we sang one of my favorite songs, "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle. The chorus is as follows:

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

This is a beautiful song and beautiful sentiment, but today it drove daggers into my heart. All I could think was, "Draw me gently to my knees"? Really? Because it sure feels like I just had my legs cut out from under me, anything but gently. And "sweetly" broken? I feel like someone's taken a sledge hammer to me.

I know the truth of the message in the lyrics, but at the same time, sometimes it just hurts. Yesterday I happened to read the passage from Luke 9, where Jesus promises suffering for his disciples, yet still calls them to take their cross and follow. This song takes that gritty, hard teaching of Jesus and paints it in a much softer light.

Life promises to break us, and I would much rather be broken by God than the world, but that doesn't guarantee it will be sweet. Some days it's a bitter pill to swallow.

PS- Check out the new poll question in the left column.

If I Could Just Sit With You...

The world is a harsh place, and some days you just feel it more than others. Today I'm feeling every grating piece of it. I love this song by Dennis Jernigan (the version I own is performed by Martin Doman via iTunes), because on a day like today I just play it and pray it and let it wash the truth of God's love and tenderness over me.

If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has days like this. Are there any songs or scriptures or what not that minister to you on days when you just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world?

Sunday morning, new week

It´s Sunday morning. It´s 8am, which isn´t terribly early, but right now feels really early. :)

Last week was pretty rough, as some of you know. I guess there was one big frustrating thing that happened and about a million smaller ones. Ever have days, weeks, months like that?

It culminated last night. Our youth group has a Bible class Saturday nights, and I always go. I love to go. So even though yesterday was truly craptacular and I was in a horrible mood and so tired, I set out to go. I left a little too late, so I missed my bus by a couple of minutes and had to wait 25 more. In the rain. In my "looks waterproof but really isn´t" jacket. And from my bus stop it´s still a 15 minute walk to church, in the rain. So I arrive 40 minutes late to find not a soul there. Oh how disheartening. I sat on the steps of the church and cried a little.

I sat there about 20 minutes, just thinking. I´m not sure what I was thinking, but I think "woe is me" would sum it up nicely.

So I started home. In the rain. And by this point it was really raining.

By the time I get to the bus station, I´m completely soaked. When I take the bus to my house, it lets me off at the gate and I still have another 15 minute walk to my house. So I made the executive decision to splurge on a taxi.

As Murphy´s law would have it, I got the strangest taxi. The car acted like it was going to die at any moment, struggling to conquer every speedbump. I envisioned myself pushing the car along the road... in the rain. And the driver was SLOW! At one point I started laughing because it was truly insane. Then to add insult to an injurous night, he was like, "You´re not Brazilian, are you, because you can´t speak our language well." Thank you, sir, may I have another?

Frustrating day. Week. We all have them.

But it´s Sunday morning now... a new week! I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. But I won´t. In a few minutes I´ll get dressed and start the journey to church all over again. Because I need to. I need to go and see the faces of the people I love so much and who love me. I need to be hugged and kissed and loved on by the body of Christ. I need to sing with my friends and share in communion with them, and I need to laugh with everyone about what happened last night.

I think the natural reaction to when you feel bad and want to hibernate is to do so, but my experience has been that when you don´t want to go to church is when you need to go the most. Time after time this has been my experience... when I´m down, frustrated busy, stressed, whatever... if I make the time for God and my Christian family, I am always blessed.

So I´m off. I hope you shared your Sunday with your family, too.