I am naturally a proud person; it is something I struggle with. Being at OC nurtured this sense of pride in me. Don't get me wrong-- I love OC and wouldn't trade my time there for anything-- but I was often put in positions where I got to feel like I had everything figured out. I knew what was expected of me and how everything worked and felt pretty good about my purpose and identity in general. Now I've been thrown in an environment where all of those comforts have been stripped off of me.
As mentioned in my "100 things" list, I am semi-obsessed with being right/doing the right thing; I consider this both my greatest strength and weakness. Where I once thought I had many things figured out pretty well, I am now realizing that I, in fact, know very little. It's humbling. Very humbling. I have had some hard decisions to make here. There've been many decisions to make where I had (and still have) no idea what the "right" answer is. The easy Sunday school answers that worked at the Christian college or in the Bible belt just don't fly so easily here. Whether it's financial situations, ethical dilemmas, prioritizing, socializing or anything else... many times I am just at a loss. Simply put, sometimes things are not as simple as they seem. My deep seeded need to always "be right" has been thrown into a tizzy. Yes, I just used the word tizzy. Weird, I know. For about my first month here or so I was constantly stressed out because I always wanted to do what was right, but I was never what that was.
Then I began to trust more and more in the leading of the Holy Spirit. In the CoC we tend to shy away from talking about the Holy Spirit, so I am not as well versed as to its working and purpose as I'd like to be. But I do believe that it lives inside of me and guides me daily, even in (especially in?) those decisions where I don't know what the right thing to do is. God has not left me alone to fight in these battles by myself-- He gave me the gift of His Holy Spirit, so more and more I am trying to discipline myself to look for its guidance. Does anyone have any good verses/passages on the Holy Spirit and its working that they would like to share?
3 comments:
Decision making: Think of a clock where your are at the middle and you can make decisions from 1 - 12. 12 is the best decision possible for my example and 6 is the worse decision possible (180 degrees from 12). If you make a decision 9 or 3 you are no better or worse off than where you are at,all the decisions from 9 up to 12 and down to 3 are positive but 12 is the most productive. You will not always hit a 12 on your decision making. I like thinking that I operate in the 11 to 1 range which are very good decisions even if not the best. In a group setting two ideas may be expressed, of 10 the other 2 which are 4 apart but both 2 away from the best idea. In my job I try to train people to take a decision rather than stall. If I have trained them well they will make it in the 10 - 2 range and the results will be positive. Rarely will the trained person make a decision in the 4 to 8 range where my example 6 would be the worse decision possible. Keep going forward and making progress knowing that while you may not be perfect (12) you are still going in a positive direction. You will also see many decisions are 9 or 3 and do not make a difference.
I also have found first instincts are very reliable, could they be spirit inspired?
I'm lost.
ben
Oh Ann, I feel ya.
I love reading your blogs...they make me laugh.
By the way, Kristin is allergic to delautid too. She started acting crazy and her face kept twisting up...it was weird!
-angie
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