'Tis So Sweet

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

I heard this song today. Honestly, not one of my favorite songs. I think it's the music... very rigid or something. But today as I listened the words really hit me, and I once again appreciate the beautiful and timeless truth found in so many hymns.

Where better place to put my trust? People disappoint, bodies fail, science only goes so far... God is real, God is truth, God is good, and God is faithful.

I love the line, "How I've proved him o'er and o'er..." I can look not only to my life and the gift of faith I have from God, but also at the lives of so many people I know and love. They've proved that trust in God isn't futile or foolish. And then the end, "O for grace to trust Him more..." Faith is a gift given through the grace of God.

This song (written in 1882-- timeless truths, huh?) reminds me a lot of the Natalie Grant song, "Held". If you haven't heard it, I highly suggest it. It's written specifically about the pain of losing a child, but I think anyone who has gone through a serious trauma can relate well to its message.

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

I love that. "The promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."

Just a thought for today, folks.

What You Can Do

While I was sick, probably hundreds of people asked my family and me what they could do to help. I'm never really sure what to say when someone asks that, because I'm never sure if they really want to help or if they're just doing social graces. But since I've gotten better I have a good answer.

During my illness and hospital stays, I received several transfusions of blood and plasma (at least 10 units). Sadly, I've never donated blood in my life, although my dad has donated regularly as long as I can remember. I was scared. But I've given lots of blood in the past year and can honestly tell you that it's not bad. I won't lie-- it ain't great-- but it definitely doesn't deserve the drama that I and so many other people give it.

So that to say... please donate blood! If donors hadn't given in T-town and in OKC, I don't know what I would've done! To find out how to go about it, this website is the search results for blood donation. I'm sure wherever you give, your gift will find a grateful recipient. My own dear mother, deathly afraid of needles, made a donation on Wednesday night. And it went just fine.

So go for it, folks! A little stick is worth what it will mean to the recipient. You could save a life! Gambatte kudasai!

Ann-- the high school years

This weekend, barring the unexpected, something wonderful will happen. I will be making a 2 day trip back to my hometown, Stephenville Texas, for a good friend’s wedding shower. I haven’t been there in almost 5 years. Wow. We lived in Stephenville from 1988-1998, or for me, kindergarten through the 10th grade. I love Stephenville. I always did and it will always have a piece of my heart. I could go on and on about this, but I won’t.

Instead, the point of this post is to talk about my high school years. It’s kind of strange, because up until lately I never really thought about high school after I graduated. It was too painful to think about Stephenville, and I didn’t like Pleasant Grove (my high school for 11th and 12th grade), so I just never thought about it. And I never talk about it. Many of my closest friends really don’t know much about my life pre-college, I don’t think. So I want to do a little picture post and give you a brief overview of Ann, the high school years.

My freshman and sophomore year I was in the band. I played the French horn. This is my sophomore band picture. Hot, huh? :)




I loved being in band, and I was pretty good until I got braces. Definitely the funnest part of being a bander was marching at the football games. I had so many good times and fun memories of bus trips and practices. Just today I was looking back through my photo album and my heart just melted to see some of those faces again that I haven’t even thought of in years. Here’s my favorite group picture of us. I’m on the front row, second from the left with my hand to my face.



Another big part of my life my freshman and sophomore year was being manager and scorekeeper for the boys’ basketball teams. I did mainly JV my freshman year and varsity my sophomore year. I loved those guys and the coaches, and it helped that my fellow managers and statisticians happened to be my best friends. So much fun. It was a busy life for those months while basketball and marching season overlapped.



I had a serious boyfriend in high school; his name was Brandon. Our song was “All for You” by Sister Hazel (gee, that dates me!). Well, that’s about all I have to say about him. :)



Although I was always a good student, I never was thought of as “smart” until I moved to Texarkana. I think it’s because I decided to throw myself into school after moving here and signed up for all the hardest classes. School kind of turned into my extra-curricular activity.

But I did manage to have some fun. Here’s a picture of me from my senior prom. Funny thing. I heard once that my senior prom date and dear friend, Robert, happened to be living in Japan while I was. Small world, huh?



And then I graduated. Definitely one of the happiest days of my life, and not even a bitter-sweet happy. Just happy.



I’m leaving out a lot of things and a whole lot of people that I love very much, but that could get really boring really quick. And really long.

So there you go, now I’ve gone and revealed another layer of my life to you. :)

Quotemeal

The Quotemeal for the day is this:

To love is to be vulnerable.

— C.S. Lewis

Very true, very appropriate.

Campbellism Exposed!

Like the majority of my blog readership, my church heritage is the Church of Christ, who are also called "Campbellites" after one of the founders of the restoration movement that spawned our denomination (and anyone who wants to expound on this-- you know who you are-- feel free). We aren't perfect, but we aren't horrible, either*.
Well, the primary Bible bookstore in our town is run by the Baptists (called "The Baptist Bookstore," but they let the goyim in). A couple of years ago I was looking around the store and happened upon their "tract rack" (yes, I suppose the CofC doesn't have a monopoly on them...). One of their tracts jumped out at me, because it was titled, "Campbellism Exposed! One Hundred One Reasons for Not Being a Campbellite" by Ben M. Bogard, LLD (and if anyone knows what LLD stands for, please let me know). It was only $.99 so I bought a copy.
Well it's quite interesting, let me tell you. This stuff is even better than "The Onion" or "The Daily Show"!
Mr. Bogard gives his reasons (all 101 of them) and then expounds on them. Here are some of my favorite reasons (just the titles):

• Campbellites claim to have no creed, which is equivalent to claiming to be fools.
  
• Campbellism makes priests of its preachers.
• Campbellites make sport of praying for sinners.
• Campbellism is made up mostly of people who have been excluded from other churches. (key quote: "The Campbellite church is an ecclesiastical slop-tub...")
• Campbellism and Mormonism are twins.
• Nearly all of the other churches have some truth, but Campbellism is false at every point. (key quote: "They are wrong on everything.")

The next two are my absolute favorites and have earned the status of being published in whole here.

#12- Campbellites everywhere have a contemptible grin that nobody else in the world has. That which is characteristic of them everywhere can't be a happen so.
Just dispute the Campbellite doctrine at any point, or preach heartfelt salvation in their presence, and at once they begin to grin.
Nobody on earth has that grin except the Campbellites. I began to notice it many years ago in Kentucky. I wondered if it was not just a local matter produced by ill-breeding. But I went to Tennessee and found the same grin. Then I went to Missouri and they also had the grin. Then I moved to Arkansas, and they still grinned. Then I went to Texas and Oklahoma, and the grin abides. There is something in the Campbellite doctrine that produces it. You can dispute with
Methodists, Presbyterians, Catholics, Mormons and infidels, and you will never see that grin. But even the boys and girls among the Campbellites have it. The grin shows a mingled feeling of contempt, insolence, ill-breeding, ignorance and wickedness, a combination to be found in no one else but the Campbellites.

and my other favorite...

#101-- A poem entitled "The Campbellite Imagination"

We have a people here on earth--
And Campbellite is their name--
Who don't believe the Word of God,
And hence reject the same.

They have an imaginary God,
An imaginary Son,
An imaginary Spirit,
And these three are not one.

Their imaginary Lord
Has an imaginary plan
And they imagine that this saves
A real sinful man.

With imaginary gospel
Preached in imagination, too,
They catch a hardened sinner
And plunge him right through.

He say that he believes
In this imaginary Christ,
Has imaginary safety
In his sin-polluted life.

Then the preacher takes him in
On an unscriptural plan,
And decides the state
Of the poor deluded man.

And the Devil surely laughs
At these deluded folk,
Because he knows if they are right,
Religion is a joke.

Do you imagine they are saved,
And will enter heaven's land?
No, surely they will each one fall
Into the Devil's hand.

Let's preach and pray, and work and sing
Yea, call upon our God,
'Till even the Campbellites repent,
And trust in Jesus' blood.

There is a fountain filled with blood,
Drawn from Immanuel's veins,
Even Campbellites may plunge in
And lose their guilty stains.

Oh goodness, I'm laughing even as I type! I promise to you guys that this is serious a tract written by a serious man in a serious Christian book store.

If anyone's interested in seeing a copy of this, let me know and I'll see if copies are still available. What I wouldn't give to talk to Mr. Bogard! I'll investigate and see if he's still alive. :)

So there you go-- the truth on us Campbellites! And I had you fooled all along! You just can't see my contemptible grin from behind my computer screen! Muah ha ha!

*This is not a blog on denominationalism. I believe in equal denominational opportunity-- each tradition's followers have the same potential for both good and craziness.

Oh What a Night

Since the past many months have been mostly melancholy, I have been trying to do things lately that I know make me happy.

For example, while I was in the hospital I saw the cast of a new broadway show, Jersey Boys, perform. It is the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Their performances were stellar and I was just enamored. So recently I found the cast recording on amazon, and I ordered it. It arrived today, and I've already listened to it three times. I love singing along but my voice gets so horse from all that falsetto! My songs of the moment are "Walk Like a Man" and "My Eyes Adored You," but my all-time forever favorite is "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You." So this is my musical recommendation of the week.

Also, lately I've been catching up with old friends. I grew up in Stephenville, Texas from kindergarten through my sophomore year of high school. It is my hometown, and my heart will always be there, but I had lost touch with just about every person from there (except Nina!). But this week I've been reconnecting which brings back all kinds of memories. Ha, facebook actually serves a purpose! And actually I think I'm going to go back (for the first time in five years) in a couple of weeks for a friend's wedding shower. That'll be interesting!

Continuing with the theme of remembering, last night I called a dear friend and we reminisced over past adventures and I laughed til there were tears streaming down my face. And that is priceless.

Today I took time to look through all my photo albums. It made me realize that I have had a lot of fun with a lot of amazing people in my little life! The one that probably got me the most was the album from my second trip to Brazil. It's just so nice to look at myself in those pictures and realize that I was truly, truly happy then. It makes me think about what I want to do after I fully recover. I think I've been following my mind too much the past couple of years, and it's time to follow my heart for a while, if that makes sense.

In superficial news, I also love the show "Dancing with the Stars." Drew and Stacy are amazing. I think dancing is awesome, and would love to try it. But first you need a partner, and I have no partner, and if I did I doubt he'd want to take dancing lessons. And I wouldn't want to be one of those girls who makes her other half do something like dance classes. :)

That's all for now! I'll close by saying that if you've found yourself down lately, do something that you know will cheer you up. Crank up those great songs that you love to belt out (when no one's listening), look through old photo albums of the good times you've had, or catch up with an old friend.

Tchau!

I'm so vain...

... I probably think this blog is about me. Oh wait, it is. :)

Although I find this incredibly vain, I am interested to see what people would say, even if just one person participates.

If the spirit moves you, just go to this website:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=sojochick
and pick 6 words that you feel describe me best. It would probably only take you a couple of minutes.

Arigato! Gracias! Obrigada! Thanks!

Love is different than you think...*

I've been wondering what to post on Valentine's Day (yes, I think in advance about blogs... yes I am a dork), and I really haven't come up with any great ideas. I have nothing terribly clever, wise, deep, or funny to say about love that hasn't already been said.

So that said, my prayer and wish for you is that you will feel the love in your life-- from God, family, or friends, and that you will be able to accept that love and reflect it on to the people you come in contact with.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

PS-- The title is one of my favorite song quotes about love. Gold star if you can identify the artist!

Book Recommendation-- Five Love Languages

Yesterday... or technically the day before yesterday, I read a book that I'd like to recommend. It's called The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. I read the original Five Love Languages my freshman year in college (on the advice of my dear friend and roomie, Angie), and it really opened my eyes as to how I could better love the people in my life. The original one is intended for married people, but the principles can be applied to all your relationships.

Simply stated, the premise is that each person has one of five primary love languages. They are:

• Quality time
• Words of affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Most people have one primary language that they speak, and one that they most respond to. Many times they are the same, but sometimes they're not. The author is careful to point out that while each of these is a language of love, people usually have one that they favor above all others.

For example, my love language is "words of affirmation." I think this probably correlates somewhat to my being an English major and loving to study words and such. I tend to also give this as my way of showing affection to others.

But here's the key. Let's say I have a friend whose primary love language is physical touch, but I never give them a hug or pat their shoulder. Then even though I praise them with words all the time, they might not feel loved. I need to make the effort to realize what my loved ones' love languages are and speak to them in a manner that shows them how much I care.

It's really a concept that can revolutionize your relationships.

I usually avoid singles books because they're very hokey in my opinion... very much of the "bag 'em, tag 'em, and drag 'em home" type mentality (yes, I actually saw that literal phrased used in a singles book once-- I can tell you which one if you ask me). But this book is about learning to love better. Yes, it was geared towards relationships singles (and singles of all types) might be in, but there is a version for marrieds, one for men, and one for dealing with children. There might be others I don't know of, you can check on amazon. So I recommend that all you bloggies choose a book that best suits your situation and check it out for yourself.

Anyone else out there read it? Anyone know their love language? Or have a story of how learning the love languages has improved a relationship?

Self-addiction

"The most difficult lie I've ever had to contend with is this: Life is a story about me."
--Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz

Today I came to the realization that I have have a self addiction. I think being sick has had a lot to do with it, because when you're sick you really do become the center of the universe. When you're in the hospital you have a little buzzer and nurses come at your beck and call, your parents will do or get anything you want, people come to see you and bring you gifts, and you get cards all the time. It's pretty cool, in a way. :)

However, as I make the transition back into normal life, part of me misses the attention I received. Don't get me wrong-- I am thrilled to be going back to "normal", but the selfish side of me still wants to be catered to. Just proves I'm human, I guess. :)

Once again, as often happens, I come to the end of writing a post and think, "why am I posting this for the world to read?" Maybe it's kind of like step 1 in addiction recovery-- admitting you have a problem. Maybe it's for accountablity. Maybe it's to help edify others. Maybe just to make you think. Who knows.

"Love is a many splendored thing...

... love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love."* :)

If you don't live under a rock or haven't been in a store for the past month, you know that next Tuesday is Valentine's Day. As usual, this will be a day of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand I am so so lucky because I get the chance to love so many people in my life. On the other hand, I am a single girl. I'm usually not anxious about the fact that I'm single, which is really a gift from God. But I will admit that as I approach 24 I'm starting to feel a little old.

However, when I get to thinking about how I "should" have a man by now, I am reminded of all of the dorky people I know who get married. If they can do it, so can I! And then I remember all of the fantastic single people I know and think, "they're smart, good looking, and holy... I'm in good company!"

Despite the moments of anxiousness, overall I trust God's good taste and sense of timing when it comes to finding the right dude for me. Til then, I'll just keep my eyes open. ;)

*Gold star for the person who can identify the quote!

Angels of Compassion

Angels of Compassion-- me, Bek, Summer, Lori, Alissa; Angie, Amber, Meredith, Misty
Spring of 2003


These are my girls. We were all in the incoming class of 2000 at OCU, specifically the honors program. Through the years we bonded through homework, Bible studies, personal crises, engagements, weddings, graduations, practical jokes, career searches, and all of the other things you experience in your college years.

This picture was one of the last nights we were all together. As we geographically drifted apart because of marriages, graduations, and intense load work in our major classes, our friendships took on a new role. One of us moved up north to begin a new chapter of her life and found herself homesick and lacking direction, so we rallied around her and a couple even make a trip up to see her. Another gave everything up to move to Central America to spread the light of the gospel and again, trips, emails, and care packages are there to show we support her in her work. When I was sick, these amazing women rallied around me with visits (both in person and through a personalized DVD), gifts, cards, and email.

These are just the examples I thought of off the top of my head to show the ways that we have stuck together through thick and thin to cry with each other tears of joy and pain. I know for a fact that "smaller" gifts of love are passed between all of us each day through emails and phone calls and thinking back on the great memories we share.

I know we're just a few years out of college and as the years go by it will be easier to lose touch. But these girls are some of my best friends, and no matter how far we spread out or now infrequent the emails become, I have faith that there will always be a special bond of strong love between us.

Some of my best friends are guys. But there is a special purpose and gift to having good friends of the same sex. In fact, I've always said that you have to be suspicious of a person who has trouble keeping friends of the same sex. A strong group of male friends is one of my criteria for a potential spouse.

So those are my girls. Once Bailey McBride, upon hearing of some of the stories of our friendship, remarked that we were like "angels of compassion" to each other. I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for these women.

Book of Daniel

This week "The Book of Daniel," an NBC series, was cancelled due to pressure on the network and sponsors from crazy Christian fundamentalists.

The complaints against it were varied, but included the fact that the main character, a priest, and his family had an assortment of issues. The priest popped pain pills, the wife was a semi-alcoholic, the son was gay, the other son slept around. I never understood why this was an issue of contention for Christians. Isn't it about time that Christians are portrayed in the media as real people with real struggles? Do we all really want to be looked at as Ned Flanderses??? Moreover, the family was also portrayed unconventionally. Sure they had their problems, but they all really loved each other, despite their problems.

Another source of contention was that Jesus was portrayed as a character in the show. The priest would often talk to him, seeking encouragement and advice and help. Jesus was kind of a hippie on the show, but in the good sense. He was laid back and kind, and even funny. There was never a time spoken where I thought to myself, "Hey, Jesus would never say that!" In fact, I thought it was quite a good portrayal of what Jesus would probably say. I don't know what the beef with Jesus was, but if the detractors actually watched it they might realize it wasn't bad.

The other big issue was the fact that the church portrayed accepted homosexuality. This is the only issue I could see as being an actual stumbling block to Christians. But the church depicted is an Episcopal church, and that reflects their beliefs (I guess, I haven't really studied Episcopalian creed). I think it comes down to people saying, "I don't want people to get the idea this is what I stand for and accept as a Christian when it isn't." BUT. If we're going to start getting mad about a misrepresentation of Christianity, let's get Pat Robertson off the air. How about all those "send me your retirement and I'll pray for you" televangelists?

Ugh. I'm pretty ticked about the whole deal. I liked the show. Yeah, it was a little "busy" with it's 2345 story lines, but I enjoyed it.

I don't know, maybe some of you guys wanted the show cancelled. Care to share your thoughts?

I wasn't tagged, but I still want to play

I saw this on another blog, and although I was not "tagged," I'm going to do it anyway. Consider yourself tagged if you want blog filler. :)

Four Jobs I’ve Had:
1) Scorekeeper/statistician for high school basketball games-- funnest. job. ever.
2) Receptionist at a dry cleaner-- maybe I should tell y'all some of my stories from that place...
3) Telemarketer for OC-- bad on so many levels
4) Writing tutor-- oh man, I have some stories from there too...

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
1) Dumb and Dumber
2) Legally Blonde
3) Singing' in the Rain
4) The Wedding Singer

Four Books I Could Read Over and Over
1) Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
2) Leaving Ruin by Jeff Barryman
3) Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
4) East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Four Places I’ve Lived
1) Stephenville, TX
2) Texarkana, TX
3) Edmond, OK
4) Hitachi, Japan

Four TV Shows I Watch
1) Dancing with the Stars
2) Days of our Lives
3) Oprah
4) Desperate Housewives

Four Places I’ve Been On Vacation
1) Walt Disney World
2) Singapore
3) Nasu, Japan
4) Rio de Janiero, Brasil (folks who went with me-- would this qualify as a vacation??? hahaha)

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1) gmail.com
2) www.thehungersite.com
3) www.edition.cnn.com
4) prayingmantis.blogspot.com

Four Favorite Foods
1) Grilled cheese sandwich
2) Cheese ravioli
3) Fried rice (the kind I make)
4) Cherry vanilla coke from Sonic

Four Places I’d Like to Be Right Now
1) Brasil
2) Japan
3) Edmond
4) Tennessee
Notice I stayed vague so I could be in more than one city at once in these places. :)

Omer of Manna

While I was in the hospital in November and December, many many packages arrived from Japan containing most of my earthly belongings. I have avoided opening them for the longest time because I just don't want to think about all that situation. But yesterday I broke down and opened a box. It was a wonderful box, too; just like Christmas. It had a bunch of decorations from my walls, my jewelry box, a photo album, and some books.

Among the books was a notebook that I started when I was in college. It's one of those black and white, marblized composition books. I think I got the idea from reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, in which she describes keeping a journal of quotes and scriptures and songs that encourage her. She named hers her "Omer of manna," taken from Exodus 16:32, "Fill an omer of it to be kept for your generations; that they may see the bread with which I have fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you out of the land of Egypt." When I began writing in my journal I was going through a rough time and wanted to record the words that gave me peace and encouragement. And I think it's one of the best things I've ever done. So many times I have looked back on those entries and they've helped remind me of the truth that can be easy to forget when times are tough. It's also nice to look back and reflect on where I've been and what God's brought me through.

The reason I share all this is that I encourage everyone to try this for a while. It's not something you have to update daily, but when a scripture, song, quote, poem, whatever it may be really speaks to you, jot in down in your journal. You never know when it will come in handy again in your own life or maybe the life of a friend.

Ann's Quizlette

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

Please someone take it. I don't want to be a loser. :)

Blog readers should be at an advantage on this quiz!

NOTE:

Two notes from the creator of said quiz.

First, I made a mistake. It's on the question where I asked which movie I'd choose. If you make the question negative, "which movie would I not choose", then it'll work. Otherwise don't worry about it. :)

Secondly, I actually made the quiz twice, losing the first version which one question from being done. The second time around I forgot to include my favorite question. It was the following:

"Which of the following do I believe is a 'man job.'"
a. taking out the trash
b. driving
c. putting up the groceries
d. all of the above

The answer is D. :)

How I'm doing and how I'm feeling

During one of my college classes, a social rights advocate of the '70s came to speak to our class on racism today. One of my classmates asked him "What do you feel about..." and he answered, "Do you want to know what I think or how I feel?"

The most popular questions I get these days are "How are you doing/how are you feeling?" I answer them the same, because I know people mean the same thing in wording it both ways. I am doing great, praise be to God, although I don't know how God works in all of this. I have gained 20 pounds in two weeks (wow!) and I have great strength and endurance. I went to Target for an hour and a half last Saturday, without a wheelchair. I'm able to eat anything I want and I haven't gotten sick in several weeks. Incredible, considering where I was a month ago.

Yesterday I had checkups with the stomach doctor and surgeon in Oklahoma City. They were both very pleased with my progress. The surgeon dismissed me and the stomach doctor will see me again in March. And I've been instructed to stop my nightly tube feedings after I gain another ten pounds. Great news.

I am feeling alright. I've been through some major trauma over the last 7/8 months, and that's taken it's toll. Of course I'm happy to be doing better. Honestly as I write this I don't know what to say. A lot of how I feel is too private to put on a blog for the world to see, ya know?

So there's your update, since I've gone a while without telling you how I'm doing. Thank you 70 x 7 for your love and encouragement. It carried me. Sunday at church we sang "Faithful Love", and the second verse reminded me of my friends:

Faithful love, calms each fear
Reaches down, dries each tear,
Holds my hand when I can’t stand on my own.

Faithful Love
From Above
Came to earth to show the father’s love.
And I’ll never be the same,
For I’ve seen faithful love face to face,
And Jesus is His name.

What on earth?

I love words. I think words have innate power and beauty. However some people do... amazing things with words. Here are two examples I experienced on the drive up to OKC Sunday.

The first was a marquee for a church building in the metropolis of DeKalb, Texas. It said, no lie:
"The Bible-- believe it or be wrong."
I burst out laughing when I saw it. I just could not believe the sheer arrogance. But hey, I should learn not to be surprised when it comes to church-folk.

The second was a song we heard on the radio. What you must understand is that there is a stretch of the journey from T-town to OKC in which you can pick up nothing but country stations. I'm not a country hater, but I'm not a big fan, either. But when this song came on the radio, I again burst out laughing when I realized what they were saying. Here are the words to the chorus, again, no lie:
"At that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on
That honky tonk badonkadonk"

I understood this song only because my sister had informed me a few weeks ago that a "badonkadonk" is a shapely booty. So... yeah... what a song. :) And y'all were picking on the "Cartoon Song"??? :)

So there ya go. Hope you were as amused as I was.

Thoughts on why I can never meet Chris Rice

Although this may appear to be a blog about Chris Rice, it's not. It's about fantasy.

If you know me well or have been a long time blog reader, you know that I simply adore Chris Rice's music. I won't try to start to explain how I feel about his songwriting or I'll never shut up. Let's just say it's... wonderful. :) Although the fact is that I only know Chris Rice through his songwriting and brief comments on a DVD from a concert I have, I really don't know the man Chris Rice. But because his music speaks to me on such a deep spiritual level, I feel like I do know him. My mind has conjured up this image of him as a person, and I have put that person on a pedestal as nearly perfect. It's not something I did consciously, but I've done it. For example, because of the deep nature of many of his songs, I would expect Chris to be rather serious and deep most of the time. We could sit in coffee shops for hours brooding over popular theological points. However, the fact is that Chris is primarily a youth leader, and that job lends itself to being rather... not so serious the majority of the time.

This leads to reason number one that I can't meet Chris Rice. Expectation. As my dear friend Jess pointed out to me the other night, "You can't meet him. That'd ruin the fantasy." He couldn't be just who I wanted him to be, I would have to acknowledge who he is. Tied in along with this is a point that I gleaned from the Oprah DVD commentary on her interview with Paul McCartney. Oprah felt about McCartney much like I feel about Chris. She idolized him, put him on that pedestal. In the commentary she says that she had such great hopes for this meeting. Knowing how silly and unrealistic it was, she was honest about how she hoped he'd react to meeting her. She said (paraphrased), "I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to say, 'Please, be my friend. Come away with me and we can spend the rest of our lives hanging out together, because I think you're cool.' But, he didn't say that." I'm like that with Chris. I'd want him to want to be my friend, to like me, to think I was deep and holy. But chances are that if I ever got to the concert and got to shake his hand, I'd just be another fan that he would take a photo with. And then where would my fantasy be? In the toilet. :) And what if, God forbid, he didn't like me? What if he was conservative? :) What would I do then? I shudder at the thought. :) So, be it healthy or not, I think I'd rather hold onto my fantasy than have it dashed.

I write about this because I believe that it's not just Oprah and I who have these idols (this term used loosely, please no comments on my worship of Chris Rice). Surely some of you, my friends, have these in your own life. If you feel the spirit moving you, please give an amen and perhaps who your person is in the comments section.

I feel somewhat safe in having my fantasy person be Chris Rice, who lives far away in Tennessee and I doubt I will ever meet, let alone have any kind of deeper conversation with him. Like I said before, I don't know if this is healthy or not (feel free to give your opinions). But I do know that some people's idols are in their real lives. Friends or boy/girlfriends or parents or children. This is so risky and leaves so many people hurt in it's wake.

Well, I have run out of thoughts on this subject. Congrats if you made it all the way through. And thanks for all the good comments on the Derek Webb CD. I should say that I do have a special place in my heart for KLOVE because it has ministered to me for so many years inbetween the twinkie songs. :)

Songs you won't hear on KLOVE :)

While I was in the hospital, one of my dear friends sent me the new Derek Webb CD, Mockingbird. I have been meaning to blog on it for a while because a) I think it's awesome and b) it is very... different from most Christian music.

I like to read the lyrics to songs the first time I listen to them so I can know what the actual message is. The first song that really caught my attention was "A King and a Kingdom." Here are the lines that struck me:

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

My jaw absolutely dropped when I heard that! Not from horror, but because I've never heard anything like this in Christian music! Oh but wait, there's more.

One of my favorite songs on the CD is called, "I Hate Everything." Here's the chorus:

it’s been one of those kinds of days
and i feel so out of place
and i hate everything, everything
i hate everything but you

Typically I despise the word "hate" and think it is used far too casually by many people, but here I think it's cute. Who hasn't had one of those days where they "hate" the world and just want to be with/talk to that one person, be it a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or dog. But can't you just see KLOVE playing a song called "I Hate Everything"? Heehee, that makes me laugh.

Next up on the list is a powerful song called "Rich Young Ruler," which has earned the entire song being posted:

poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brothers, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me

What a beautiful call for social justice. This really made me reconsider the story of the rich young ruler. In my own self-righteousness, I never really identified myself with him. But if we in America aren't the rich young rulers, then who is?

"My Enemies are Men Like Me" is so blunt and to the point, it really speaks for itself:

how can i kill the ones i’m supposed to love
my enemies are men like me
i will protest the sword if it’s not wielded well
my enemies are men like me

peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
it’s like telling someone murder is wrong
and then showing them by way of execution

when justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor

because i would rather die
i would rather die
i would rather die
than to take your life

The last song I want to talk about is "Love is not Against the Law." Again, a strong commentary on loving enemies:

politics or love can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all
and it’s giving up your life for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown when they’ve taken your clothes
it’s learning to admit when you’ve had a hand
in setting them up in knocking them down

love is not against the law
love is not against the law

are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend
‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same
could you find a way to love them both the same
to give them your name

Well there you go. When something impacts me as much as this CD did, I just feel a need to share it on the blog, even though it makes for a lengthy post that I doubt many will make it through. :)

Derek Webb is a modern day prophet, and it seems that each of his CDs tackle a different issue. I'm glad he had the intestinal fortitude to tackle these subjects.

As the title says, I doubt we'll be hearing KLOVE play these songs anytime before Jesus comes. :)

In the spotlight

I'm trying to get back into blogging an talk about things other than my illness, so here goes.

Seems like my dear alma mater, OC, has been getting some attention lately. Apparently they were trying to implement a policy in which an employee of the university who gets a divorce is susceptible to being terminated, if the divorce is not scripturally sound. Due to a lot of negative press the official policy has been done away with.

I'd heard rumors that this was happening, but it was confirmed today when Mike Cope blogged about it. This of course means that all of the Church of Christ blogging world knows about it now. Grrrrrreat. It kind of made me mad that he wrote about it, but I think that was my pride in my school coming out. I was hoping to keep this dark side hidden from public view, ya know? It reminds me of when Anne Coulter was scheduled to speak at Harding and the blogging world went nuts in protest (she ended up being cancelled). Anyway, I read some of the comments on Cope's blog and of course some people were having a field day picking at OC and by association, the Christian Chronicle (which also is close to my heart).

I'm a little torn on what to think about the policy. My first reaction is negative, because the policy is being portrayed as a hard line, "divorced and you're gone" kind of thing. But knowing the leadership of the school, I know that's not true. These are people of compassion and faith and love. And also, I have to think that we have to be holy as a Christian university, and by that I mean we must be set apart. That's why we have daily chapel, that's why we require Bible classes. Shouldn't we have high standards for faculty and administration? Bailey McBride (my hero) wrote a great article about this subject here. I don't know. I go back and forth with myself. Besides, it doesn't really matter what I think, anyway. :)

It just frustrates me that this stupid policy is getting so much attention when there are so many great things about OC. But on the other hand, I think it is good for attention to be drawn to things like this going on in "our fellowship" so we can hold each other accountable. Iron sharpening iron and all that. ;)

Back in Business

Hello loyal blog readers!

I'd like to take a moment to welcome myself back to the blogging world, seeing how it's been over a month since I myself updated.

First I need to say thank you to all of you for your caring, prayers, gifts, and cards. This has been 7 long frustrating months hopefully culminating in the last month, and I wouldn't have made it through without you. Well maybe I would have, but I wouldn't be on speaking terms with God probably. As I was in the ER the Wednesday before last, I was in terrible pain and the procedures they were doing on me were making it worse and I remember just crying and crying and asking why God wouldn't help me. But that wasn't true, wasn't fair. Just spoken out of pain. But God was, has, and is helping me-- through all of you. Thank you so much for being the lights of God in my life when I couldn't see it elsewhere.

This last hospitalization wasn't so bad. I had nice nurses (which truly makes all the difference). I was on some good painkillers (yay morphine and demorol!), which is always great. I left the hospital weaker than when I went in, but overall alright. I have an ear infection, which is a pain, but definitely not worse than anything else I've experienced. Healing from my surgery is going well. My incision is almost nearly healed. I don't think it's been mentioned that I have a feeding tube now. At night for 15 hours I am fed through a feeding pump, which ends up being about 1800 calories a day. Then during the day I eat what I can to supplement that. My doctor wants me to gain 30 pounds by March on this plan. I really hope I can. I gained some weight in the hospital over the past week, so I'm up to 100 pounds. Pretty good since I was in the 80s last week.

I don't want to bore you with details, so I'll wrap up. I love and appreciate you all more than you know.

'sweet marie'

'Sweet Marie' is my life long nickname for Ann. The whole nickname is 'Sweet Marie my Darling'. Ann's long time gal pal Nina heard me call this sevaral times and picked it too. Ann has (we have) had a setback. We spent almost 24 hours in ER on Wednesday 12/27 and Thursday. Cutting through details Ann is stable now and in ICU at Christis St. Michaels Hospital in Texarkana Texas. Rules are no phones and limited visiting times for family. A ct scan will be done tomorrow 12/31 and will determine what if any futher treatment is required. The best news would be that the treatments so far will be enough. That is what we hope for. Ann was able to be home for Christmas and we enjoyed that time. She also reads all comments to her blog and e-mail and a highlight of the day would be if the snail mail had a card or letter. She really needs her spirits lifted now. Ann's address is Ann White, 3210 Westridge Ave., Texarkana Texas 75503. If you would like to e-mail my address so I could print and take to Ann, do it at proscw@aol.com I will print comments to her blog also. Ann really appreciated the notes but was not able to respond to most or post her blog. She looks forward to the time when she can respond personally. Again I want to thank everyone for their prayers and encouragement.
Stan White

12/7 surgery note composed by Ann's Dad

Ann's surgery was 12/7 from 4 pm - 6 :30 pm. We (her mom and I) saw her in ICU at 9:30. The surgeon was pleased that they found some problems and were able to correct them. All the surgery was below the stomach. She has an orignal and a new (2003 surgery) small intestine attachment to the stomach. The orginal one is where all her prior trouble has been and was again. The blockage there was bypassed and connected to a good portion of small intestine. The large intentine was laying over this exact spot and had a restriction (not blocked) that was repaired also. She will be NPO (nothing by mouth) until this heals. A J tube (small intestine feeding tube) will be used while she recovers. Normal recovery is 10 - 14 days. Of course she was weak from this condition already so pray that her body rallys now to heal .

Same song, second verse...

Hello all!

Well, we made it to OKC. If you read my dad's comment on my last blog, you saw we got here late (12:15am) and of course I didn't get to go to bed til after 2am. But they were kind yesterday and let me sleep in. So far, so good. I saw my stomach doctor who treated me during my surgery 2 years ago yesterday, and he's already on the ball doing all kinds of tests and such. Thankfully with my central line they don't have to stick me everytime they want blood. Praise God for that! Also, this morning I saw a thyroid doctor who is also doing a bunch of tests to see if my hyper-thyroid is causing all this (although I have my doubts that is true).

Overall I feel well, only sometimes some nausea after eating. I've found that I've become much more anxious than normal. All procedures make me nervous, even though they shouldn't. Really the only pain I'm in now is a perpetually achy right arm because of my central line, but considering where I was a couple of weeks ago that is nothing. My mom's here with me, and I have a great support group here, so really I'm doing ok. I just need to gain weight. I know I've asked for that prayer several times, but I really really need to gain weight. My doctors have taken off my TPN (IV feeding) because it can suppress appetite, so I'm on my own to feed myself now. (Of course they can put it back on easily if I continue to lose weight) My doctors just want me to eat as many calories as possible (nice diet, huh!), so I'm hoping to get some Ted's in here sometime soon. Those of you who know OKC know what I'm talking about. :)

Well that's about it. Hopefully soon I'll post a blog about some of the wonderful people who I've encountered through this journey. I'm telling you-- medical professionals have some of the most wonderful ministry opportunities ever.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. You really keep me going.


Ann's contact info:

Mercy Hospital
4300 W Memorial Road
Oklahoma City, OK 73120
Room #321

405-486-8321

Moving to OKC

I'd been holding off on posting this just in case it fell through, but in a couple of hours I am going to be transferred to Mercy Hospital in Oklahoma City.

As for my condition, it has greatly improved since I last wrote. My lung has re-inflated and I got my chest tube out, and the blood clots in my arm are a lot better.

I'll write more later, but there's lots to do before we go.

Love you all. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Not so fast...

I had a feeling about today, that it wouldn't go as planned. Little did I know how true that would be.
As soon as I posted my last post, we were informed that Zale Lipshy had suddenly decided not to accept me as a patient. Losers. So we're back to square one on the transfers. Very disappointing.
Then I had a chest x-ray done which revealed... a collapsed lung! Yes I have a collapsed lung. That would explain my persisting cough and shortness of breath, huh? So to treat that they inserted a chest tube today. I'm still in quite a bit of pain from that.
Then you should know that my left arm has been swelling to an enormous size over the past few days, and today a test revealed that I have 2 blood clots in my arm. So that is painful and the treatment is two shots daily in the stomach.
All this to say that today might not have been the worst day of my life, but it has been really close. It's done a lot to dampen my hope for recovery.
So please pray for me. I'm in a lot of pain. Also, again, encouragment is appreciated.
I'll keep you updated.

Movin' to the Big D

It has been quite an eventful past week, with some gains and some losses, but overall gains I think. I've gained some weight and my blood work all looks a lot better. I've also had several days of fever and headaches and a cough that won't leave. And lots of needles. That's all I'll say for the squimish. :)
Anyway, I write today to say that this afternoon I am being transfered to Zale Lipshy hospital in Dallas so I can have access to more specialists. On the one hand I'm glad because hopefully we can make some big steps there, but I also don't want to be in Dallas where I believe I know 1 person (who I do love, but it's not the same as having a whole church supporting you) and my family's going to be all stretched out again. We'll see what happens. I'll blog when we get the room information and such. I appreciate all means of encouragement. Keep praying for me.
Love you all!

Sweet surrender? Not quite....

Well I have had quite the busy past couple of days. I guess this all started Monday, really. The elders at my church here contacted my parents and said they wanted to have a special prayer meeting for me. At first I was a little worried that they knew something I didn't know, but no they just were concerned for me. So we did that Monday night and it was touching and moving, and meant so much to me.
Then suddenly Tuesday it was like someone lit a fire under my world. All my doctors went on high alert (thanks to some special people, I think) and they got me in to see a thyroid doctor on Wednesday in Little Rock. So that was exciting-- progress!
Yesterday my mom and dad and I went down there, and I did a battery of tests and we saw the doctor. He said that he thought my thyroid problem was probably just a secondary problem to my severe malnutrition and anemia. Apparently all my bloodwork came back looking pretty bad. So... the thyroid doctor, light under his tush, calls my primary care physician and tells the news.
My family doctor then immediately hospitalizes me today. She's been wanting to for a while. :) I, however, have been resistant. But today I just kind of threw in the towel (hence the post title) and said "fine, whatever." Of course deep down I know this is what I need.
Goal for the hospital-- NUTRITION! They're putting me on TPN or IV feeding. Today I faced one of my greatest fears and had a central line put in. That's an IV in your collar bone. But God provided with unexplainable peace and the fact that the doctor who did the procedure actually goes to my church! But please continue to pray for my mental and physical strength.
This could be the first step on a long road, which discourages me. Please pray that I'll keep the mind and vision to always look forward. I'm trying my best.
Love you all.

Mickey Mouse and Chocolate with Gummy Worms

Since my blog is just mostly health updates these days, I thought I'd take this little quiz from my friends over at Tryggblog to lighten the mood. Enjoy!

Would you rather speak with God for one minute or add one year to your life?

I'd say add a year of my life, because I feel like I've been robbed about a year.


Would you rather meet Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, Garfield, or Bugs Bunny?

Mickey Mouse, because that'd probably mean I was at DisneyWorld, which truly is the happiest place on earth. :)

Would you rather end hunger or hatred?

Hunger

Would you rather be gossiped about or never talked about at all?

Since I've never really been gossiped about, I'm tempted to say that I'd like to be. But I think I'll stick with being a wall flower.

Would you rather find one million dollars or find true love?

Obviously, true love. :)


What talent do you wish you possessed?

Joy throughout suffering

If you were going to a remote place and could only take one CD with you, which one would it be?

A mix CD with all of my favorite Chris Rice songs.

If you could hire one of the following, which would it be? (Driver Chef Maid Stylist)

Driver. I hate to drive.

Can you play a musical instrument? If so, which one?

I played the french horn in 6th grade through 10th grade. I was pretty darn good, too, back in the day. :)

Have you attended a high school reunion yet?

Nope. My five year is this year, and since I claim 2 high schools there's 1 I want to go to and 1 I'd never go to.

You're stuck in an airport, what paper do you turn to for the news? (New York Times USA Today National Inquirer or, You don't follow the news.)

I watch CNN on the screens, or go to my most reliable source for news-- People magazine.

Leno or Letterman?

Leno, although I'm growing softer to Letterman.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

I like chocolate. Just chocolate. With gummy bears at Marble Slab.


What CD is in your CD player right now?

Chris Rice's "Amusing"


If you had one day to live, what would you do?

Spend it with my family and eat whatever I want. And not check my email or any blogs. :)

A cloud lifted

The past two days I've been taking my thyroid scan up at the local hospital, and while I was there today I got some amazing news. You might remember that I was in the hospital for a few days in August. Me being the sadly uninsured girl that I am, I was worried about the expense. Well I found out today that I received a hospital grant that covered my hefty bill and will probably cover whatever else I have to have done at this hospital. It is such a weight off my shoulders! I am so grateful to God and to Cristus St. Michael hospital for this! I just about started crying when I found out, because I was struck by the thought of the parable of the debtor who has been forgiven much, and I was forgiven a lot. I think rarely do people first hand feel that grace and mercy shown on them. I hope my heart stays tender from this and I never forget the help shown me.

I'll let you know when we know anything from the scan. Not sure when that'll be.

Diagnosis

Well the bloodwork came back and my doctor informed me that I have severe hyperthyroidism. Everything else looked relatively ok compared to that. This isn't good news, but it's news at least, and I'm happy to know it so I can start having it treated. They're going to try getting me into a doctor ASAP, so maybe I can start getting well. Thank you for your well wishes and positive energy. :) I'll keep you updated.

GI Joe says...

Health update:

Today I went to my GI doc. I was kind of excited because I have felt like I've been making some progress, but he wasn't so convinced, so he kind of deflated my balloon. He was upset about my weight and general appearance, and has ordered a bunch of blood work for me to have done tomorrow (prayers please!). I'm being tested for anemia, B12 deficiency, some mal-absorption issues, low thyroid and my liver enzyme count. I haven't had that done in 2 and a half months so I'm interested to see what it says.

Anyway, it's still two steps forward, one back. I've been eating more this week so I'm happy about that. Keep praying for me, please. Sometimes it's easy to lose hope. Love to you all!

Lucky duck

So, given my vast amounts of time to think combined with my own life observations and experiences, I have come to a conclusion. I believe there is such a thing as luck. Some people have good luck and some people have bad luck, and it can vary throughout life. I don't care if this isn't popular theology. I don't care. :::ppppphhhhhsssssssttttt::: :) I swear sometimes I've turned into one of those 85 year old women who doesn't care what anyone else thinks. I'm sick and onery, dangit! Heehee!

Also speaking of theology I'm having trouble swallowing (and probably related), more and more I am turned off by the way people use the word "blessed." Here are some examples and my commentary:

• "Oooh! The tornado didn't hit my house! I am so blessed!" Yeah, so what about your neighbor whose house was smashed? They weren't chosen by God for your special blessings?
• "I'm sure God will bless you with healing very soon." So... if I'm not healed I'm not blessed by God?
  
• (on the Amazing Race) "God, please bless us and help us get to the next pit stop before the other teams." Okay, so you winning has nothing to do with your own and others' ability to read a map or by sheer luck?
  

I'm sure this is probably an age old struggle that many have felt, but now I'm feeling it and it's my blog and I need to vent it out. We... we being our society or modern Christianity or America or whoever... equates blessings with happiness. I think that's pretty stupid. Would we call Jesus' ministry "unblessed" because he had a rather rough going of it? There's a great Caedmon's Call line that says, "But I get turned around/ I mistake some happiness for blessing/ But I'm blessed as the poor/ Still I judge success by how I'm dressing." (Faith My Eyes)

I'm not coming down on people who say things like "God bless you." A sincere one of those always means a lot. But ya never know what you're asking for when you say it. :)

Conversation Snippet of the Day:

Ann: oh, i still think God is good, i just don't think that means we get good lives (necessarily).

Meredith: oh definitely not. our lives on earth are pretty much crappiness incarnated.

I Heart Brazil

Today I had a pouty, pouty day. I was in a bad mood all day until my mommy made me a cheesecake. Then I was happy. But then I was made happier by a great conversation with an "old friend," and we got to reminiscing about some fun times we had on the great continent of South America. Those who have read the blog for long or know me well know that I love love love Brazil. I've been three times and it really captured my heart.

To try to get me optimistic about life in general lately some people have suggested that I start thinking about plans for the future. Maybe, just maybe, the doors will open up for me to go to Brazil again. I don't know. I have lots of things that have to happen before I can think about that. But who knows. Maybe God puts these fires in your heart for a reason. You can bet I'll keep my eyes open.

Now, here is a photo tribute to my wonderful mission teams I've been to Brazil with. I dearly love every one (even helped one get married!) and they will always be precious to me.


LST 2001-- Aaron, Ben, Ann, Meredith
Click here to read a story that may or may not be about this team.


LST 2002-- Bob, Cherry, some hairy guy, Ann


Campaign 2004-- Ann, Cherry, Taylor, Bob

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It is grand, isn't it?

Hello all!

I made it back from OKC happy yet exhausted. The trip was simply wonderful, although it did suck every ounce of energy I had in my body. In case I never mentioned it, the reason for my trip was the inagural lecture of the McBride Institute for Faith and Literature, with speaker Kathleen Norris. It was wonderful and I'm so happy I could be there to help pay tribute to the McBrides and all they've done for OC and the kingdom.

Kathleen Norris was good. She made me think about a lot of things, which honestly most people don't make me do. She even made me want to think about them. :) She has a lot of experience with Benedictine monks so I've been thinking about monastic life. Anyone interested in starting a reformation movement monestary/convent?

I got to see a lot of people in OKC, considering the short time I was there. I took my camera to take pictures, but of course I ended up taking zippo. I can't describe how refreshing it is to one's soul to be with people who love you and you love so much. The trip was very hard on me physically, but spiritually/emotionally it was well well worth it. By the way, I never had to use a wheelchair! Yay!

Love and hugs to all my OKC people. Those of you I got to see and spend time with, thanks for helping revive my tired spirit. Those of you I didn't get to see, there's always next time!

------------------

I joined facebook finally. I can't decide how I feel about this. I have already made several vows that I will not spend excessive time on this. And I will not base my self-esteem on how many "friends" I have. But it was great fun to reconnect with some buddies from olden days.

Off I go!

Today I am heading out to OKC for a couple of days to see friends. I've been looking forward to this for a while and am super-excited, but also kind of nervous. Please pray that this time will rejuvinate my spirit and that I will stay healthy while I'm there. Love you all!

Soundtrack of my Life

Soundtrack of my now former life, I suppose I should title this post. One of my friends said something that got me to thinking last week about how I should start cementing my Japan memories in my brain before they all fly out never to be retrieved. So one method I have chosen through which to do that is to make a soundtrack to my life in Japan. These are the songs I have so far (it will be at least a 2-disc album). By the way, I didn't spell check all these names and I really don't care.

Ann in Japan, Vol. 1 and beyond-
Bohemian Rhapsody-- Queen
White Flag-- Dido
Sand in my Shoes-- Dido
Grease Megamix-- Olivia Newton John and John Travolta
Elevation-- U2
Sgt. Pepper'’s Lonely Hearts Club Band-- Beatles
Yellow-- Coldplay
You and Me Song-- The Wannadies
Don'’t Know Why-- Norah Jones
Sunrise-- Norah Jones
Asereje-- Las Ketchup
Hey Ya-- Outkast
Rainy Days and Mondays-- The Carpenters
Sweet Home Alabama-- Lynard Skynard
Hands-- Jewel
Leavin'’ on a Jet Plane-- Peter, Paul and Mary
Take Me Home Country Roads-- John Denver
Stuck-- Stacie Orrico
Every Season-- Nichole Nordeman
Let it all Out-- Relient K
This is How we Overcome-- Zoe Group
A New Anointing-- Zoe Group


Today I listened to all these songs and was flooded with memories of people, places, parties, karaoke, and different emotions I felt while I was there. Some of my Japan peeps will probably recognize a couple of them (I doubt any would get all of them).

Clint Black says it well when he croons, "Funny how a melody can bring back a memory. It'll take you to another place and time; completely change your state of mind."

Do any of my Japan folks remember a song or two off this list? Am I forgetting one I should have on there?

Are there any songs that take you to another time and place when you hear them?

So that's what I look like!

Time for another post. Thanks to some of you for your comments on the last post. :)

Today was the first time since about June I've uploaded my camera pictures to my computer, so here's a mini-picture post.


Jake, Julie, and Bryan (with Sugao behind at the mic)

This is the Let's Start Talking team that came to Hitachi Taga church for June-July. When I was in college and I did campaigns to Brazil, I often wondered if the people at the hosting churches really liked us coming. Now I think I know how they felt. It was fantastic to have them there! They were fresh wind and energy and encouragement at a time when we all needed it. I wish I could have spent more time with them, but what time I did have with them was great. Thanks to Julie, Jake, and Bryan!



My dad with his cool ride

This is my dad's new truck. Getting a new truck is a big deal at our house. The last time it happened was 17 years ago (and we still have it and it runs great! goooo chevrolets!) I like this truck a lot. My dad put running boards on it so I can get into it easier. It's a biggun'.



Grungy Molly and Skinny Ann

This is a picture of my sister and me. My sister dressed up today for a psychology class experiement where she has to dress unlike herself, so here she's going grunge. I also just wanted an updated picture of me on the blog. I'm a skinny girl now. :)

I'm doing heaps better. My spirit is much better. I'll keep you updated.

Stirring the Pot

Aha! A new blog! And there was much rejoicing!

Anyhoo. On to business. Most of you probably know that I hold views that some people would find controversial. Recently I have felt the stirring in me to go very public with one of these taboo viewpoints.

Ready?

Texas is the best place in the world. Period.

Who am I?

Who Am I? by Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As thought it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

To Target... and beyond!

To day was a small step for humanity, a giant leap for Ann-kind. I went to the store! (Target, to be exact) I bought some nail polish, a card, and da da da dum..... HARRY POTTER book #1! Some of my friends are probably cheering right now because they've wanted me to read this forever. It was pretty cheap in paperback, so I decided I might as well take the plunge. I'll let ya know how it goes.
Target was interesting, too, because I needed a wheelchair. Interesting social experiment, I guess. People for the most part just ignored me as they normally would, I think, except right before I left. As I was getting into the checkout line (my dad was pushing me), these 4 snotty high school girls (yes I just prejudged them) jumped in line in front of me. Very rude! But I doubt it was because of my wheelchair. Then as I was checking out and trying to work the debit card machine, the checkout lady kept talking to me and hovering over me like I was dumb. Which I'll admit maybe I am, but how did she know? Ah well, she was probably just trying to be super helpful, which she actually was.

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This Katrina is awful. Unimaginable. Texarkana is becoming home and a pass-through station for many evacuees. My parent's church is doing a lot of collection and passing out to people who need the basics. My mom and sister worked up there several hours today and my mom heard several people's stories. So time for everyone to put up or shut up. Go do something. Give your money, work at a shelter... do something.
What gets me is that I don't think I'd "get" how big this was were I still living in Japan. This is huge.

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My man Dellucci hit another homer tonight, but the other day I found out devastating news. He used to be a Yankee. :::tear::: My mom asked if the fact that he converted to Rangerism doesn't make up for it, but I'm not sure you can ever recover from that kind of deprivation.
(are you starting to grasp that I don't like the Yankees? :) ) By the way, he's from Baton Rouge, Louisiana and is doing a lot to help out the victims down there. Good for him!

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I have recently signed up on My Space to help reconnect with old friends. I am not sure of the quality or reputation of this service, so I decline to link to my page. But if you want to find me there, you can.

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That's all for today's installment. Have a wonderful Labor Day!

PS-- Blake, I tried to make sure and spell check so you won't mock me in my comments.

A Suitable Suitor

Today had two interesting aspects to it that I'd like to share.

First of all, today I left my humble abode for the first time in two weeks. It wasn't as exciting as I might hope it'd be, but it was nice. We went to visit a friend of ours from church who happens to be a nurse. In the last week or so I developed a lump on my arm where my IV was, so we got it checked out. She thinks it's okay. So all in all it was a nice "outing". As much as I love my family, it's nice to associate with outsiders once in a while. ;)

Secondly, my parents and I have been trying to find a suitable husband of the Texas Ranger persuasion (and no, that's not Chuck Norris kind of Texas Ranger for those like Nina and Denver out there... the baseball team). This started with my mom finding out that Mark Teixeira was of Brazilian descent, and we know how I feel about Brazilians. Well it turns out he's married. Shucks. So I went through the roster and online bios to see who my possibilities were. Judging by age and marital status, it looks like Kevin Mench and David Dellucci are my strongest options. I find Dellucci much more attractive (especially since he hit two homers in one game against the Evil Empire) but I'm willing to give everyone a shot. Except when I think about it I'm not sure that I'd want to marry a baseball player. They're gone for so much of the year. In some marriages that may be a good thing, but I intend to like the person I marry. Hmm. We'll see. If anyone has any connections to any single men on the Texas Rangers then please leave a comment. :)

Sometimes it sucks

Another post so soon! I guess I finally thought I'd start sharing again.

Well forgive today's post if you're into feel-good items, because today I haven't felt good. I've been considerably sick for almost a solid four months now, and as much as I try to keep a shiny face for the world same days I just don't want to. Luckily most of the world isn't exposed to me on a daily basis. So here is a little glimpse of how tired you can get of being sick.

I woke up in a foul mood and for the most part I've spent pretty much all of today there. But then again I always wake up in a crappy mood. This is for several reasons. For one, my bed hurts my back. I've tried about a million things over the years to make this better but it doesn't seem to help. Oh well. For two, I haven't been sleeping well. This is also two-pronged. When you're sick on a bedrest program like I am you really don't do anything all day to wear yourself out. Bed time seems sort of arbitrary because you never really get sleepy. So many nights I take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine-- also used for nausea) to make myself sleepy. The second half of this is that now that I am getting some better, the reality of my situation is setting in. I left my great job and a bunch of wonderful people in Japan. When I lie in bed at night I have the time to wonder what I'm going to do with my life once I get well. And then I think about people and it breaks my heart. Faces of so many people I know and love in Japan rush through my mind and I miss them so much. I wish I'd gotten to say real goodbyes, or that I could know when I'm going to get to see them again. It's a hard thing to think about.
So those things plague my nights.

My days are spent mostly with TV. I'm sure my intellectual friends are shocked and appauled that I'm not using this free time to real all of the wonderful books there are to be read, but a lot of times I don't feel like it. The books I usually like to read are about things like social justice or different cultures or some other deep and difficult issue, and really I just can't make myself care about those things as much right now. Of course I still care, but right now I just don't want that burden on my mind as well. A life lived around TV is pretty empty. I look forward to my daily Simpsons, Cosby Show, and occasional Miami Ink, but watching enough TV will depress you. There's a lot of stupid crap in the world, and a lot of it has a TV show dedicating time to it. But I have to give TV props for numbing my mind and helping the days pass.

Even though I've been doing better lately, the past few days I just haven't felt very good. I think it's one of the medicines I'm on making me feel bad. We're going to call tomorrow to see what the doctor thinks. I think I don't want to take it again.

This has been such a crappy post. I should probably discard it. But I guess at least it's something. And it's honest. Like everyone probably, I've known a lot of people who've gone through really difficult times. And I've seen so many people handle it with unimaginable grace. A great example of that is my friend Blake, who is going through a hellish ordeal with his mom being terminally ill. Yet through this he has written some of the most touching, faithful things on his blog, and he and his family have demonstrated that grace I mentioned. I'm in awe of and inspired by them because I have a hard time pulling it off.

I learned 2 years ago that I'm not graceful through suffering. I cry, I pout, I pity myself, I breakdown and lose hope. As you've all witnessed, I also pull away from my friends for whatever psycho reason. But maybe I get a few things right, too. I hold on to faith. It's not a pretty faith when I'm holding onto it at the end of my rope, but it is faith. And I try to be honest. Hence the post today. :) Hopefully that's good, too.

I don't know what this post is for. Maybe it's for myself to kind of let off steam and organize my thoughts. I don't know. But I'm just going to post it. Oyasuminasai.

PS- To balance out my crabby complaining, here are things that I'm eternally grateful for. My family, who cater to my cantankerous moods day to day. The nice people who send me emails. The wonderful people who send me snail mail. And Chris Rice. :)

Today was the day!

My life has been the utmost of boring lately. Thankfully I have my family, cable TV, a few good books, and nice friends who actually still email me to keep me sane. However today was a very very happy day for me. Thanks to my sweet family who found it in Texarkana for me, today I own the new Chris Rice CD, Amusing! :) Yaaaay!
AND I found out today that it actually has a DVD on the other side of the CD, so I got to watch behind the scenes footage of Chris Rice and the people recording the CD. I'm tickled pink. Chris recently went to a new label, so this is a little different from his other albums, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it all the same. Do yourself a favor and go pick it up.
By the way, I think I'm doing some better. I can actually eat now, which is good. I still haven't gained weight, but have faith it'll come.
Thanks to everyone for their nice emails and comments. They really brighten my days. Love you all!

Ode to why I have been absentee

Hello, you wonderful people. If you're still reading then you are, in fact, wonderful. :) I know I should be blogging, especially since I have nothing but free time on my hands, but I just can't bring myself to do it. And here is my theory why.

Abraham Maslow developed a system called the Hierarchy of Needs. Simply put it states that before you can worry about the higher levels of existence you must be stable in the lowest levels of existence. For example (see the website), I think in Japan I was at or nearing the self-actualization level. I had a great job in my field with great friends. I was stable in many many ways. But now I have found myself knocked on my butt back to the first level-- physiological needs. I live day to day just focusing on keeping a few calories in me.

So... as much as it sucks, and as much as it is against my personality to do so, I have really pulled away from a lot of my friends. I feel like I'm sinking all this energy into being well so I have little to spare. I hope my friends can forgive me and just support me through this. I'm trying to be better. See, I even made myself blog tonight. :)

As for how I'm doing, it's hard to say. I am improving in some ways, but not others. The specific prayer request I have is that I can gain weight. I keep losing and I have nothing left to loose except the good stuff (muscle, organs, yadda yadda). So that's that. I'll keep you updated. Love you all! And mad props to all my friends who've recently started blogs! Y'all are awesome bloggers!!!!!

Out and About

As the title suggests, I am out of the hospital. I'm on some new medicine now and let's all hope and pray I feel better soon. Although I am out, I am not about. I am the ultimate couch potato these days. Just wanted to give a brief update. Hopefully I'll have a worthwhile blog soon, if anyone's still reading this.
Love y'all.

The things I'll do for attention...

Just want to let my blogmunnity know that I was put back in the hospital again today. I'm not happy about it, but no one asked me! They want to "beef me up" nutritionally for a while. I'm in room 372 of St. Michael's hospital in Texarkana in case anyone is wondering. I'll let you know where there is more to be known!

Going Monastic

As I have been pondering my future lately, I have found myself half-wishing that I was a Catholic so I could be a nun. It seems like a nice lifestyle. Anyone else out in blog-land ever found themselves wishing for the monastic life?

PS- I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but came up short. The pressure got to me. Can any punsters out there think of a good one?

Bittersweet

This is a letter I sent out to many of my friends today.
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This is difficult to write, but I want to let you know that after much prayer I have left my job with Hitachi City teaching English. It is a very bittersweet decision, but the fact is that I don't have much choice in the matter. My body is making the decision for me. I had a date of Aug. 1 to be back at work by if I was to keep my job, and right now I'm just too weak to do it.
For you in Japan, I'm so sorry. You are what makes this so difficult, because I love my Japanese family and you have blessed my life so richly. I do hope to go back to Japan after I'm well enough to wrap things up better. Forgive me for telling you in such an impersonal manner.
Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to try to recover, and as I start looking towards the future to see where God is leading me next.
Love you all.

Sashiburi!

I've gone over a whole week without posting. For many this would be fairly normal, but in Ann-blog time that's like 7 weeks I think. :) So here's a few brief tidbits to update you all.


I've been to a couple of doctors since I've written. Doctor number one (family doctor) diagnosed me with hepatitis, doctor number two (stomach doctor) isn't so sure. Both ordered some unfortunate tests that I reluctantly went along with. No results back except for the fact that my liver is healing and I don't have a parasite. Hopefully more results soon.


I'm feeling so-so. In some ways I'm sicker but in others I think I'm getting better. I am resting well, though.


I'm being an absolute communication recluse, which is probably unhealthy. I'm sorry if you've written and I haven't written you back. I'm going to work on that today.


I was in OKC to see my doctor last week, which was nice but odd. I got to see some good friends, but didn't get to see a lot of the people I associate with OKC because either 1- the moved, 2- they were out of town, or 3- I was too sick. Kind of frustrating, but what are ya going to do.


My mom's birthday was yesterday. Since I've had a driver's license, in our family I am usually in charge of all things for our mom (mother's day, Christmas, birthdays). Since I am rather incapacitated this year I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything special for her, especially since she's done so much for me lately. I vow to make it up one day after I'm well again.


Well, that's all for this installment folks. I'll try to write something entertaining someday soon. To add some color to the blog, here is a random picture. It's my desktop wallpaper. This was taken at the Texas/Oklahoma border between Paris and Hugo.

Book Thoughts

Well my friend Gabe over at Postmodern Christian (who is actually my real life friend, not just a blogger buddy) has tagged me to do this survey on my blog. Since my blog has had nothing interesting nor is there much interesting in my life right now, I'll play along!

1. How many books have I owned?
How many books have I owned? That's a dangerous question, since at different times in my life I have owned almost the whole collections of the Boxcar Children, Sweet Valley High, Babysitter's Club, and Bearenstein Bears. Presently I probably own about 150 books, but I'm not sure because I'm really bad at guessing numbers. And mine aren't catalogued like Gabe's. :)

2. What was the last book you bought?
I bought the TNIV Bible a few months ago. I don't buy a lot of books in Japan, ya know.

3. What was the last book you read? Hmm. I think the last book I read and actually finished was The Good Earth by Pearl Buck.

4. What are FIVE books that have meant a lot to you.
*besides the Bible, which is a given*

1. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
2. Leaving Ruin by Jeff Berryman
3. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
4. Race, Class, and Gender in the United States by Paula Rothenberg
5. He Still Moves Stones by Max Lucado

5. Tag five people who haven't played yet
Consider yourself tagged if you're a bibliophile.

Hmm, this inspires me to do some reading. I think I'll go pick up East of Eden again.

Made it

Just wanted to let you all know that I made it back to T-town. That 24 hours of travel was possibly one of the hardest things I've done in my life, but once again God provided for me along every step of the road. I got to meet some really nice and interesting people, and I ate more on the flight from Tokyo to LAX than I ate in the last two weeks, I think. I am a few steps beyond happy to be back in Texas with my family and sleeping in my own bed. I'm exhausted and jet lagged, both of which may take a few days to get over, but my family is also here to help me out whenever I need it. Probably won't be blogging much in the coming days, but I will keep you updated on doctor visits and such. I love you all. Your prayers and support helped get me home.

"My bags are packed...

...I'm ready to go."

That's mostly true, at least. I do need to throw in some last minute stuff before I'm officially ready. I have all my medical records, I went and had an IV done today, my apartment is reasonably clean, and my flights are looking good. I think I'm just about ready.

I'd like to thank everyone so much for their prayers, encouragement, and help. This is a difficult situation, but with so many people helping to carry the load I know it's going to be ok.

I'll let you know when I'm home. Home... sounds so sweet right now.

Love to you all.